Peak Oil
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Peak Oil is a dark, pungent liquid byproduct obtained by dosing only the most highly enlightened philosophers during their peak experience from large quantities of LSD, then extracting core samples of their brains to make erasers. The liquid pressed out from the brains by the eraser head processing machines is Peak Oil. Sold by drug dealers in several major cities, Peak Oil is as delusional, anti-social, and damaging to the work ethic as any other recreational drug, it is known for causing a fixed syndrome of delusional projections centered around the damn silly idea that human beings are not put on this earth to be exploited and harvested by Oil Companies. As works derived from the operations of the China Oceanic Oil Eraser Three Philosophy Company, these collective delusions are patented, copyrighted, trademarked, suppressed, and pirated to Beijing street corners under the title Peak Oil.
Peak Oil is the point in human civilization where everything goes to shit. The common man will end up running around aimlessly, with or without a head, yet will still fail to realize the key to solving the world's energy problems lies in his aimless running.
Contents [hide]
1 What is Peak Oil
2 The US Government and Peak Oil
3 Peak Oil: Fact or Fiction?
4 Expectations for the Average Citizen
5 See Also
[edit] What is Peak Oil
As explained on job recruiting posters for philosophers in the China Oceanic Oil Eraser Three Philosophy Company, nobody can tell you what Peak Oil is, you have to go and see for yourself. But according to pirate videos about the Peak Oil Theory, production follows a bell curve in which production will rise with increased demand then fall as it's supply diminishes. This theory has been proven true in national production (the US production peak was 1971 which was why the 1969 and 1973 oil embargoes were so different). As oil stays in the mainstream, demand builds by 5% a year. In short, we use more of the oil supplies every year that are rapidly diminishing. America and the west require cheap consistent supplies of oil for transportation, heating, food production, construction, and smaller amounts of oil lead to increased prices. However alternative fuels production is not practical at all because as George Bush has stated, "...alternative fuels rely on oil anyway, so there is no point in pursuing them. Best idea is to open the Alaskan reserves."
In reality, Peak Oil is, basically, a conspiracy theory created by left wing wack-jobs and “doom and gloom” lovers hopped up on eraser byproducts. Peak Oil probably doesn't exist. The Oil Federation of the America's spokesman, George Bush, has been quoted in saying, "...look at (all) the hype Y2K spurred up. Did your computers crash? We didn't think so. Peak Oil is the exact same concept; a couple of wack-job tree huggers claiming oil is the end of humanity. In all honesty, Peak Oil is about as true as Global Warming. If it was true, the (US) government would do something about it!"
Many scientists and theorists around the world responded negatively to Bush's comments. Bush responded with, "You know who doesn't want us to use oil? Terrorists. Why else would they burn those Middle East oil fields. The way I see it, Al Quiada is really just a bunch of tree hugging hippy extremists trying to scare the world into thinking oil is bad. The terrorist hippies just want you to go back to loving the land so they can have all the oil to themselves! 9-11 was bad. Things will only get worse if we don't put a stop to the hippy's anti-American ways. If those hippy's get their way, their next step will be enslaving the people of America under a communist regime, and we all know what the means. It will be like 9-11 everyday of the week." Bush then outlined a plan to offer a tax credit for the COOETPC to create new jobs for hippy American philosophers.
[edit] The US Government and Peak Oil
On the 5th anniversary of 9-11, the United States government realized confidential documents about Peak Oil to the public. These documents clearly backed up Bush's claims, and some went as fair as to say that anyone of a nature loving lifestyle are pedaphile terrorists. Supporting documents clearly demonstrate that by giving away all oil absolutely free, the U.S. government can significantly stimulate new drilling and reduce the demand for foreign oil, though this doesn't actually effect the price. Since there's no where else to go from there, the plan contains further provisions in the future to start paying oil companies to get all that yucky oil out from under our continental shelf, starting with $10 a barrel in 2010 and projected to reach $100,000 a barrel in 2070. In this way the oil companies can maintain their revenue even when there are only a few barrels left under the whole country and everybody important will be happy.
An independent journalist who somehow forged AP credentials and started asking Bush how Hugo Chavez manages to get paid for oil was immediately tasered and detained for questioning. He was obviously in collusion with communist terrorist rogue nations. Rumor has it that he was processed by extraordinary rendition to an outsourced private contractor, presumed to be the Chinese Oceanic Oil Eraser Three Philosophy Company.
Several environmental groups responded strongly to the US governments claims by accusing the US government and George Bush of starting a genocide against the people of America. Bush rejected these claims stating, "...the absurd notions of the anti-oil environmental groups is merely a hairs-breath away from terrorism. Also, these environmental groups fail to realize that only a very small minority of their members are Jewish, and do I look like Hitler to you? They make a mockery of 9-11."
[edit] Peak Oil: Fact or Fiction?
Scientists and the US government continue to debate the existence of Peak Oil, yet never conclusively come up with an answer. David Suzuski, renowned environmentalist and scientist, continues to warn people of the impending doom of Peak Oil, while George Bush repeatedly proves Suzuski wrong. In a televised debate, airing on September 11th, 2006, Bush and Suzuski battled over the concerns of depleting oil supplies. Suzuski called Bush a fool, claiming, "Anyone who has filled up their vehicle in the past 5 years will agree, prices are going up." Later, Suzuski called Bush out, saying, "If we aren't running out of oil, why are prices going up?" Bush replied, "9-11. The terrorists. 9-11... 9-11!"
According to a poll taken on September 11th, 2006, shortly after the debate, a majority American citizens, chosen from a small, white district in the southern United States, were inclined to agree with Bush. One went as far as claiming that Suzuski was a terrorist, and being Asian is wrong.
Another popular argument claims that alternative fuels are too expensive and too limited to meet the demands of the world's energy. Environmentalists are put into a sort of hypocritical conundrum, as the only really economical way of meeting energy lies in tidal energy. However, installing machines to harvest this energy will generally fuck up the environment, and kills God knows how many animals.
Many theorist claim that energy can be produced through the sun. The US government clearly makes this claim useless, stating, "...We don't know about you, but the sun isn't out 24 hours a day. Idiots. 9-11 was bad."
Theories will come and go, but for now, oil is pretty fucking easy.
[edit] Expectations for the Average Citizen
In short, the average joe is fucked. If the conspiracy's are true, the average, head-in-the-sand person expecting their government to take care of them so they can continue to drive their 6 MPG SUV are not going to make it.
Oil companies that are making 100s of billions of dollars in profit each quarter could try and invest a few bucks in alternative fuel sources, but it is easier for them to make a massive fortress on their private islands, then worry about you. By the way, they will have plenty of oil stored to fuel their houses and SUV's why your family is being eaten by scavengers. Just so you know.
[edit] See Also
Peak mummy
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