December 22, 2009 | 2:54 PM ET
The Lighter Side: Merry (Insert Politically Correct Day of Your Choice Here!)
jimmandrinos
By Jim Mendrinos, Political Comedian
As a child I used to love this season. That was a long time ago. The seventies to be precise. Back then we could say “Merry Christmas” without fear that the politically correct police might throw us down and beat us until we cry “Season’s Greetings.” Back then stores had Christmas decorations, and some even dared to put up a nativity scene. Madness I tell you.
Of course the times have changed and we must be sensitive to every possible culture, and strive not to offend anyone by mentioning God, or even Santa. Apparently if we say Merry Christmas, the person hearing it will be unable to see passed the denominational greeting to our intent of good wishes, and will instead take out joy and merriment as a sign of religious and cultural insensitivity. We wouldn’t want that to happen less the government and courts become involved, and trust me, they will.
So even though you’d be hard pressed to find 3 wise men in Washington, keep reading here, and I’ll try to tell you who’s been naughty, who’s been nice, and who’s had too much egg nog.
I don’t love everything about the Christmas season. I dislike crowded malls because as a bigger fellow with a beard, I can’t wear a red sweater in the mall without little children following me around.
“I want, I want…”
“Ma’am, can you grab your child he’s following me from store to store and my next stop is the Victoria Secret shop…”
Here’ the secret, Victoria was a freak!
Democrats dislike the holiday because consumers spend more than the government, and that’s just not right. Of course some politicians love the tradition and the shopping. For Christmas last year we brought several banks and a car company, this year who knows what we’ll buy.
And if you are buying, things will cost more. The Christmas Price Index says that if you were to buy the items in the 12 days of Christmas, it would cost you $86,609. Although I’m skeptical of that cost, I mean you have a standard price on 5 gold rings, but who sets the price on the lords a leapin’.
And the ladies dancing -- Do they mean ballet, or lap dancing. Cause if they mean lap dancing that number may need to be adjusted for inflation.
Of course while the Christmas Price Index has it at 86 grand, the Congressional Budget Office says 4.6 billion and Obama says the gifts will be revenue neutral.
Of course we know that because some people are offended by the use of the word Christmas that now we have to sanitize the holiday so it is inclusive for everyone, so allow me to present my favorite Christmas poem, modernized to our new PC standards.
'Twas the night before non-denominational shopping day when all through the house or current place of legal residence,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse & especially nothing on the endangered list.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that (NAME REDACTED) soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of tasty yet nutritionally sound treats danced in their heads;
And domestic partner 1 in “her or his” 'kerchief, and domestic partner 2 in “her or his” cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney without malice (NAME REDACTED) came with a bound.
He was dressed all in purely faux-fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
He had a broad face but was physically fit,
He spoke not a word, and gave us our gifts,
And I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy( insert politically correct day of your choice here) to all, and to all a good-night."
May you all have a safe, bountiful and special Christmas or whatever you celebrate, and an absolutely wonderful New Year. |
