Dear Mr. TEDennis: In view of an impending IPO followed by issues of public accountability, I have taken the liberty of furnishing below my patented Annual Report Translator which may come in handy in the coming months. To use, simply substitute the appropriate line in quotations as it may occur in the company's annual report with the line in italics.
"1997 was a challenging year." We lost money.
"1997 was a difficult and challenging year." We lost a s**tload of money.
"We anticipate deterioration of the current operating environment in the near term." We'll lose even more money next year.
"It has been a time of surprisingly fierce competition in our core business." Our competitors ate our lunch.
"We were disappointed about our top-line shortfall." Nobody's buying our products.
"An extraordinary charge for returns was necessitated." And they're sending back the ones they did buy.
"However, we have never before had more new products in the pipeline." We can't ship our new products yet because they don't work.
"We also encountered unexpected obstacles in performance of our contract for the Department of the Interior." We're not even good enough for government work.
"The expected synergies from our acquisition of Snaggletooth Corp. are still under development." There won't be any. It's the stupidest thing we ever did.
"We are devoting maximum attention to improving current ratio." We're eliminating the dividend.[Note: in the case of an IPO, which will doubtlessly not be paying a dividend, this line will indicate an imminent secondary offering]
"We were admittedly disappointed in the price performance of our shares this year." The stock's in the toilet, as if you didn't know.
"We are ever attentive to the issue of enhancing shareholder value." We're buying back our worthless stock.
"We are carefully considering the spinoff or sale of noncore assets." We're not even worth the sum of our parts.
"We have succeeded in more closely tying executive compensation to performance." What a hoot. We're bleeding you white as we speak.
"We have undertaken a much-needed enhancement of the board of directors' package, bringing it in line with industry standards." The directors are too.
"The Company has tightened up on discretionary expenditures." We're not using the jet on weekends anymore. And no more Sweet'nLow in the coffee room.
"We're pleased to announce the appointment of Strom & Thurmond as our new auditors." The old ones quit.
"The departure of our auditors stemmed from some noncritical differences of opinion regarding the Company's policy of revenue and expense recognition. We do not consider these issues to be material." Quitting was the smartest thing they ever did.
"Regrettably, our Vice President of Sales resigned for personal reasons, and we wish him the best." We fired his sorry ass and hope he gets run over by an oxcart.
"As is the case with any major enterprise, the Company has become involved in various issues of litigation during the current year." We're being sued out the wazoo.
"We consider these lawsuits to be entirely without merit, and we shall contest them vigorously." In a pig's eye. We'll settle with $20 million of your money first chance we get.
"The unusually significant number of insider sales registered during 1997 are solely the result of exercise of options which would otherwise expire at the end of the current fiscal year." We're voting with our feet. As should you. |
