Off Topic - but joke is on topic.. Ok Seth - you asked for it..
Congrats on the kids..
Some parenting tips from me..
I'm no Ann Landers - but...
Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience.
Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:
*Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby
*If your baby starts to choke, don't help; allowing the infant to cough up the blockage "all-by-myself" will help tremendously in the development of his or her self-esteem
*Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use
*Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five
minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"
*Babies love to play; grasp baby by ankles and, with a quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor
*Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply a hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side
*Baby carriers are a needless expense; try a metal pail instead
*Your newborn's tiny fingers and toes look so cute that you may want to just nibble them right off, but don't-- fingers and toes do not grow back
*When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box
*Car safety is an important, all-too-often overlooked facet of infant
care; when securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with a
cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed
*When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun "it"
*Develop your baby's hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands in
his or her face; in time, the child will learn to block them |
