Daddy, Once Again We See There Is Nothing You Can Possess Which I Cannot Take Away
Mar 16, 2010
By Ken.
Life
Life with the demonically possessed three-year-old, part 1:
I am awakened at 4:30 a.m. to strange sounds. I investigate. Three-year-old — whose blanket was taken away the night before for various crimes against our tranquility — has (1) defeated “child-proof” door knob on office, (2) dragged heavy high-chair all the way across the house from the dining room to the office and positioned it next to eight-foot cat climbing structure, and (3) scaled high-chair to attempt to retrieve blanket from top of cat climbing structure. Asked what she is doing, responds helpfully “Nothing!”
Part 2:
Upon my waking, three-year-old is found on couch, looking innocent. It appears she has opened the door to the atrium to let the cat out. How nice! Later investigation by wife reveals that three-year-old has actually (1) opened heaving sliding glass door, (2) successfully manipulated key to open locked door to garage, (3) poured out partial container of laundry detergent onto garage floor, (4) inserted car key into wife’s minivan and started van sufficiently to play with windshield-wipers, and (5) bored of this, returned to couch to look innocent.
Part 3, from this morning: I am awakened by repeated clicking sound. I get up and find hall bathroom light on. Three-year-old has (1) climbed onto sink, (2) retrieved boxed, sealed children’s Motrin from medicine cabinet, (3) removed plastic wrap from box, bottle from box, and tight and strong plastic wrapping from bottle, and (4) is attempting to defeat child-proof cap on bottle. Post-hoc analysis of clicking sound suggests that three-year-old has concluded that cap uses combination lock and is trying various combinations in effort to defeat lock. When confronted and asked what she is doing, three-year-old looks at bottle in hand, carefully places it on counter, then raises both arms to me and says “Daddy, I need to cuddle!” Subsequent protective sweep of bathroom reveals three-year-old has dismantled flush-handle on toilet. I require 15 minutes to determine how to re-assemble it.
Either she’s going to grow up to be a brilliant engineer, or she’s going to kill us all, possibly in our sleep.
Left: Destroyer of worlds. Right: Drama girl.
Edit: Greetings to our many visitors to this post. If you liked this, you might like my Conversations With Kids series.
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