Humble question. Anything new since this? When is earnings?
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FunPhone.com regrets to announce that it has ceased all production of fun, effective immediately.
We have restructured our operations in a way that will make us quite lean and very mean. A few random calls will be connected manually by cheap labor in the Phillipines, but most of our customers will hear nothing at all when they use our service. The company hopes to generate additional revenue by selling the name, address and phone number of everyone who has ever visited the site to I-Want-Spam.com.
As the company transitions to a post-salary situation, we are confident our many ex-employees will soon find other work in the telecommunications sector, possibly searching for change in public telephones. The Marketing Department has already been welcomed back by the perfume counter at Macy's.
About FunPhone: FunPhone.com is a leading provider of internet-enabled cyber-gag solutions. Its headquarters building has won international recognition as a leading-edge place to work in the places-to-work space. It features ceramic office furniture by noted Italian designer Gianni Fiasco, with chairs so leading-edge that employees would do all their work in the bathrooms, and return to their desks only to relieve themselves and consume narcotics. The office also includes a basketball court, olympic-size swimming pool and a live heavy metal band eight hours a day, and was voted one of the "10 Best Places to Goof Off" by Slacker Magazine.
CEO Nigel Bruce stated, "We don't think our business model was flawed, it's just that no-one wants to pay for free stuff on the internet any more. We're in a bear market for fun right now. Naturally, none of what happened to FunPhone.com is our fault. We are the victims here.
"The last nail in our corporate coffin was the recent downgrade by Wall Street analyst Henri Blojet, from Mega-Cosmic Giganto Super-Neat Idea to Totally-Stinky Money-Sucking Nightmare. That hurt us. When Henri finally wakes up and downgrades a deal, you know it's over. But our current dire situation is the fault of our venture capital backers, Big Pile O' Money IX L.P. It's their fault for giving us all that money in the first place! Damn them! When we had too much, they would just tell us to spend more, but now that it's all gone, we really do need more, but they won't give it to us! Damn them and their Boxsters, their private jets and their clean underwear! Damn them!"
"We're just going to hunker down and wait it out, hoping for the next wave of easy money and naïve optimism, when the goatee is once again the universal symbol of business and technical acumen, it's impossible to park downtown, and you sound smart if you add words like space and going forward to every sentence."
Added Bruce, "Our strategy going forward is to be a leader in the dead dot-com space. It's just like death in the real life space, it's not the end of the world or anything. We'll bounce back, going forward."
This page sponsored by the Margin Desk at Goldworth Grynch. "It's Our Money Now!"
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Cheers! |
