More on the Life
highlights:
Under Mitt Romney: Julia goes to a crazed Christian school, thanks to vouchers funded by cutting NPR from the budget. Republicans run rampant and cut other necessary government programs, such as cowboy poetry festivals, and young Julia shudders as she feels society collapsing around her.
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AGE 18
Under President Obama: Julia enrolls in college, choosing a major that fits in with Obama’s plan for her. While there, she encounters neo-Tea Partiers who spread propaganda slandering the government. In her government-mandated earpiece, she hears the phrase “black lilacs” — the activation phrase taught to her in her Head Start program. She blacks out, and when she wakes up she is back in her dorm room and sees on the news that the neo-Tea Partiers were all brutally murdered.
Under Mitt Romney: The Koch brothers are now rival warlords, and Julia is caught in the middle of their conflict. Having no other source of food, she is forced to slaughter and eat her pet dog. It tastes great and is the highlight of her day! She feels awful that anyone ever made fun of a former president for once having eaten a dog himself.
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AGE 30
Under President Obama: Though still unable to find work, Julia lives a happy, peaceful life where the government provides everything she needs. She is a little disturbed when some of her friends are eaten by Morlocks, but she knows it’s not Lord Obama’s fault, as he inherited them from Bush.
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AGE 35
Under President Obama: Julia and the government have a long discussion, and the decision is made that it is not in her best interest to have a child, and she is instead given a robot dog as a companion (which unfortunately is inedible). She soon has some excitement when she learns that exposure to the new government-mandated CFL bulbs causes people to eventually become zombies. As Julia boards up her shelter, she is assured this zombie outbreak won’t cost her anything, as it’s all covered under Obamacare.
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AGE 50
Under President Obama: Julia is given a job helping to build more high-speed rail, which is now replacing all roads as commanded by the great and powerful Obama. She has to work long hours seven days a week and only gets to keep 15% of her pay, but she feels good knowing that the rest of the money goes toward paying for all the other Julias out there (all women are now named Julia under Obama’s “Equality in Naming” decree).
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AGE 67
Under President Obama: Julia is now allowed to cease working and retire. She knows she’ll be well provided for, as the government invested her money in Social Security with a steady -10% return. She receives a monthly reminder that her service to the government is over and that not everyone can be immortal like their infallible ruler Obama. The letter includes charts that show her how much her no longer living will help the government’s budget, and it assures her that while she may die and be processed into fuel for high-speed rail trains, the government will continue to go on forever and ever and ever.
Under Mitt Romney: Julia is tossed off a cliff by Paul Ryan’s great grandson.
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