Love the Onion!
BTW, some of the old bible books (They seem to be about 1000 years prior to the Old Testament beginnings) are showing up in some mountainous archeological digs. Some speculation that parts were then incorporated into certain OT books. Scholars are working on it...
THE BOOK OF SOLON
One of the biblical books that was omitted from the official compilation...
1:1
In the land of Mumble, high in the mountains, there dwelled a man named Solon. And he was a goodly and upright man, but ugly and gruesome as all get go. And he dwelled there, and a wife had he naught and not; for he could find no one in the whole world that he liketh well enough to take unto himself.
1:2
Then on a day there cameth to the mountain meadow a woman of great beauty; for this was Queen Vashti, she who had been stripped of her Royalty, and cast out from her own people. And she was of great beauty, and she walked tall and with a high head, and she came to the meadow where Solon lived alone, apart from the world, and beyond God's sight.
1:3
And when she had come unto Solon's house, she reached for a plant that did grow thereby, for she was wroth with hunger, and a long journey. And she went to taste of the huge leaves, but Solon grabbeth her hand and sayeth: "Eat not of this flesh for it is to you a bane; but of the root you may thereof eat, for this shall be for you pie". And he telleth to her the name of this plant--rhubarb.
1:4
And he was gruesomely ugly, but still she found him fair to look upon, for that he was gentle like herself, but unafraid. And so they married.
1:5
And there came a day when she desireth her husband to go in unto her, so that she went early to his bed chamber and she calleth out to him: "Husband of mine. Where art thou?" But he answereth not, for that he was gone to bring back a sheep for wool, and she knew him not.
1:6
And the next day Solon desireth to go in unto her, for that she was fair to look upon, but she turneth from him and sayeth "NO".
1:7
But on the morrow she looketh upon him, and found him a goodly man, and she desired of him to go in unto her, but he turned from her and sayeth, "NO". And so it was fulfilled of the prophet which sayeth: "they shall refuse one another". Now their love waxed exceedingly strong.
1:8
The day came when Solon again desireth to go in unto her, for that she was his hot wife. "Love, let us Know one another, and let me go in unto you. But as he looketh upon her he spilleth his seed, for that she was goodly to look upon and passing beautiful, and so they knew one another not.
1:9
The crops were blessed from all Solon's inventions, and on a day he thought of his wife, and he hoped to go in unto her. So he gave her wine and they both did drink till two score bottles were emptied. So then he went to go in unto her, but it was an impossible task and not an easy thing. So they knew one another not and they slept; and they were happy but drunk.
1:10
So there came a time when Solon desireth to go in unto his young wife, for she was good to look upon, but he doeth it not, for finding her unclean. And so they kneweth each other not, and were happy but drunk.
1:11
So on a day Solon arose and had a little wine and went in unto his wife and lay with her, and the mountain did tremble from their great love, and they did know one another, and both were happy but drunk. And this is the first chapter of the Book of Solon, who is here in hiding from the Lord.
THE BOOK OF SOLON
2:1
It came to pass that Solon and his good wife, Queen Vashti (for Solon continueth calling her Queen for all the years), were happy in their mountain life, hidden from the eye of the Lord, and beyond his hand. And they were happy but drunk.
2:2
One day there cometh a messenger to Solon, nearly to his home, which Solon liketh not. The cotton gin, it was that Solon had latest made, but cotton was there not, being so high in the mountain, where he dwelleth with his wife, Queen Vashti.
2:3
And the messenger was an angel, and was tired from his long trip up the mountain, so Solon invited him for rhubarb pie and corn, which was a goodly feast cooked up by Queen Vashti. And so they ate and talked.
"The Lord requireth you to come down the mountain to the village of ER", sayeth the angel. "What answer maketh Thee?"
"NO", sayeth Solon, and the angel straightway went back down the mountain to pass unto the Lord that Solon obeyeth not.
2:4
And it came to pass that the Lord appeareth after a score at the home of Solon, and they speaketh together. Take up that axe, sayeth the Lord, and see if Thou canst cut that faggot. Solon swung the axe to cut the wood but Lo, the axe was become a snake and cutteth not, so Solon droppeth it, and it crawled into the woods. Then the Lord sayeth, put Thy hand in the left pocket of your coat, and then withdraw it. Solon did this thing, and lo, his hand had turned purple. Now, do it again sayeth the Lord. Solon did this and when he removeth the hand it was restored as it was before. And the lord stood great with his smile.
2:5
Now Solon approacheth the Lord and sayeth: "Hath Thou silver with you that I might borrow?"
"I have not", sayeth the Lord. "For what have I need of such?"
Solon taketh his hand and reacheth by the ear of the Lord, and he taketh out a piece of silver. "Lord, Thou art mistaken sore, for looketh what I findeth in Thy ear!" And Solon proceedeth to find much silver in the ear of the Lord, and in the end he pulleth out 22 pieces of silver from the ear of the Lord. And the Lord was in wonder at Solon's power.
2:6
And Solon produced from his pocket many pieces of bark with pictures upon. And turneth over the bark and he sayeth to the Lord to pick any one and not to let it be known. And Solon sayeth to the Lord, "here is no possible way that I can know the picture on that bark which Thou holdest in thy hand; you have told this unto nobody else, is that not true? And the Lord sayeth, "Thou cannot know this thing."
"It is a picture of Queen Vishti", sayeth Solon with a deep and resounding voice. And he throweth his hands high, and fire flew therefrom. And the Lord was afraid in that Solon had great and powerful magic, and the Lord went back down the mountain, and in his eye was murder, and also in his heart. And Solon also looked grim, and he watcheth after the Lord for a long time as the Lord goeth down the mountain, and the thoughts of Solon were deep, and so he went unto his wife, Queen Vishti, and held her for a long while, for that the peace of his life was being disturbed by religion, but he goeth not in unto her, but did hold her for a long while. And there were dark clouds in the sky.
2:7
And this is chapter 2 of the BOOK OF SOLON, when Solon and the Lord fought together with strong magic.
BOOK OF SOLON
3:1
An because of this One , ye shall all perish, sayeth the Lord. For he is an abomination unto mine eye. All that breath on two feet, including the women and the little ones; all these shall perish to the last breath, for I am the Lord God that maketh the sun to shine, and the rain to fall. So shall they die for that I am angered of my people.
3:2
And I shall make them to eat dung, and I shall dash out their brains upon the walls, for that this man, Druss--He hath maketh them unclean.
3:3
The Lord went to find Him, and kill Him for He desireth he should kneel, and to beg before that God should empty his brains upon the rocks. But he findeth Druss not, for that this man was a wizard from the time of the great rain, an he left the village by a secret way, an he went into the mountains. Then was the Lord sore vexed, and He smote incessantly, day and night.
3:4
High in the air leaps the Lord; and the women run, and they clutch their babes to their breast. And his sword is strapped to his right ankle, and of tungsten is it made.
3:5
I am the Lord of Hosts, sayeth the Lord, and He spins in the air and the ground is soaked in blood. The people cry for they are sore afraid; and they kneel and they pray, saying God of Abram, what wickedness have we done to our Father through our breathren, Druss, in that he dwelt within our midst, unclean and uncut. And they gnashed their teeth before God as they died.
3:6
And in this village was a Great Man, and many battles had he won. But for his wisdom and his kindness was he known.. He had cured the people of disease and pestilence, and boils and leprosy, many an time. And he was tall, and he walketh with a long stride, and his strength was that of many. And he was still a gentle man, and did not talk proud to any, but speaketh softly to all. And when the children suffereth in pain, he maketh them to smile. And of all the people in the Empire, none was wiser excepting one, "He that the world seeth not"; an this gentle man was the kindest in the Empire, and beloved of the village, and by all people.
3:7
And he walketh tall to the lord with a long stride, for he was unafraid. He walketh and he cometh to the Lord, who had already smote 60,000 children and their mothers, and he was very very sad, but unafraid, and he sayeth: "Lord, the power is yours; Ye are Mightier than all Nations. But it should be sooth that there be people left to worship you, and to bow down before you, and to praise your Mighty Name. And it should be that these little ones should grow tall, and then grovel before you, and crawl at your feet, and fear you greatly, for there be none so Fearsome and Mighty as our Lord.
3:8
And this Wise Man sayeth: "Lord of Hosts, these little ones are blameless. Let them live, I beseech Thee; for the strength and the power are yours. I will kneel before Thee in the village square, and I wilt sing Thy praises to the people. And I wilt give Thee my head for that you spare the lives of these innocent ones. An your Glory will be great for that you have shewn these people how Great is your Power and your Mercy.
3:9
But the Lord runneth him through with a short dagger from beneath his sleeve. And he caused a pack of wolves to leap madly upon him, and to tear him to pieces, and the Lord cutteth out his heart for that He hated him.
3:10
An some say that this man was the brother of Solon, him that dwelleth on high, and the world seeth not. But no man knoweth the Truth. And no man knoweth his True Name, but that he was called Doctor, for that he was a great healer by professsion.
And he died by the dirk of God.
3:11
And as these things were being done, Solon slept high upon his mountain, and the smell of blood was carried up the mountain by the rising breezes, and it brought a vision to Solon's sleep. And he knew all that God was doing, and he quickly waketh, and he telleth his wife. And he sayeth to her: "My blood hath died". And he gat him a club, which he had invented only 1 year before, and a huge bucket of diamond stones which he hitteth with the club, and sendeth unto the face of his Enemy.
"I am going to put a stop to this once and for all!", he sayeth. And there was a huge anger on his face; and even Queen Vashti that loveth him was frighted, and she backeth away from him, for that he was awful to look upon.
3:12
And Solon had many inventions which he gathereth up to take, but the chief of them was this new club with the tungsten in the blade. Solon had told his wife that the tungsten gave his blade a "sweet spot", which causeth the diamond stones to take more distance, even to the length of 400 strides. And the diamond stones were surely death, for Solon had practiced much, and his accuracy was more than any other man ever achieved.
3:13
And he gathereth Queen Vasti to him, and sayeth unto her: "If I retourneth not, go Ye without fail to the land of Claritee on the far side of this mountain. Go Ye there, and dwell amongst the people, for many of them are good. And let your heart be happy after a time, and he kissed her hard , and he left walking fast, and Queen Vashti cried and waileth, for she loveth him, and she was afraid.
3:14
And he started off down the mountain, and the mountain grew silent as death, and even the birds sang not; And the sun was hidden from the eyes of man. And after this was called the Time of the Terror, when Solon walked down the mountain with his new club.
3:15
And no person knoweth of those times, for they are hidden for a fortnight span. And none will ever know of these events, but that in a fortnight Solon labored hard up the mountain, limping and wounded sore, and he went in unto his wife and he knew her, and he saith in a weary voice: "It is done. He hath fled to the sea". And he was weary and he slept for 3 days. And never did he tell Queen Vashti of these times, nor any man. And this is the third chapter of the BOOK OF SOLON where that God slew 65,000 children for that the wizard, Druss, was uncut. And that Solon walked down the mountain for the last time, and that he retourneth to his wife, the beautiful Queen Vashti.
BOOK OF SOLON
5:1
And the death of Solon was on this wise. It came to pass that Solon's years were many, and new inventions were there not. But all his inventions were left on the mountain, with many notes to someday be discovered by Man. And Solon was old, and Queen Vashti was still very beautiful.
5:2
Sometimes did Solon call his wife by other names, for that his mind wandereth to his youth, before he came to the mountain; but still he tended his crops and provideth, though sometimes his feet wandereth from off the field.
5:3
But at times he was young again, and he knew his Queen, and she was happy and drunk.
5:4
And there came a day that the Lord came up the mountain, for he had heard that Solon grew weak. And he came into Solon's house, and his eye was terrible. And Solon riseth up from his bed, and he standeth before him and looketh on him. "I know your heart", he saith. "If you but have patience for but a little time more, you shall be fulfilled in your wish. But you must leave my home immediately for this is sacred ground which Ye may not profane".
5:5
And the Lord's anger waxed hot to see that Solon was very weak, but still unafraid. And the Lord hated this man with all of his heart, for they were bitter foes. And the Lord screamed like a beast in his rage, and he leaped toward him, and he stabbed viciously with a short knife, and Solon was wounded sore from the suddenness of the attack. And Solon had invented many weapons, but they were not to hand as that the Lord had surprised Solon with his coming, for that Solon was old.
5:6
And Solon fell at the feet of the Lord, and his hand found a sharpened stone that he had used to defend against wild beasts, before that he had invented knives of steel. And Solon was covered in blood and his clothes were soaked therein. And he speaketh not, for his throat was cut, and he could not breathe. And the Lord laughed for He seeth not the stone beneath Solon's hand, and with all his strength Solon taketh the stone, and he taketh it against the right ankle of God, that which was his sword ankle, and he clave it from his leg, and the blood flowed. And God screamed like a wounded tiger, and He hove down the mountain.
5:7
And Queen Vashti came to her husband, and he speaketh not for his throat was open, but he seeth and he speaketh with his eyes, and in her arms he dieth.
5:8
And Queen Vashti is still the most beautiful of all woman, for was she not told so by He who lieth not?
5:9
And her life was blessed, and she was the most beautiful of all women, even unto the ends of the Earth, and unto the end of her days, because of He that loveth her. And her eyes hath beheld wondrous things and Great, and things not of this world. And she was become old, but still was she very beautiful above all. And the heart of Queen Vashti is broken and numb, and it faileth soon. And she sits by her husband, and she waits for peace. And she knows that she is beautiful.
5:10
And she is unafraid for thus did her husband teach her when she lay in his arms. And I witnesseth all these things of which I speak, ye from the beginning, and I writeth them down true, and I sware that all are true of these my words, for I was there to see and there to love. My name is Queen Vashti and I was Queen, and my husband was the best of men, and ever was I beautiful to him. And so I wait for peace to come, and I am unafraid. |
