Tuesday Sep 11 2012
Late Night Jokes Archive
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Conan
In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs.
Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur.
Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's number one foe is Russia. Then he said America's number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is "The Goonies."
O.J. Simpson is claiming that Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. He makes the claim in his new book called "The Only Thing I'm Ashamed Of."
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The biker show, "Sons of Anarchy," kicked off its fifth season tonight. It conflicts with my other favorite show starring a surly, grizzled hombre. Of course I'm referring to "Nancy Grace."
"Sons of Anarchy" is about a pack of hard-nosed bikers who live outside the law. Think Lance Armstrong, but with less crime and drug dealing.
Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don't know if that's wise. It's not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers.
The closest I come to trying to cheat death like a tough-guy biker is going outside without sunscreen.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tomorrow Apple is holding a secret media event presumably to unveil the new iPhone 5. They say it has five blades for the closest shave yet.
Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama's re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies.
Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote.
I'm a little surprised. I've always known Snoop to have his mind on his money and his money on his mind, and that's more of a Mitt Romney thing.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, “Wow, you too?”
Actually, members of Mitt Romney’s own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said “Maybe.”
A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney’s depressed — last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation.
A new study found that running for two minutes is just as good for you as working out for 90 minutes. That doesn’t sound like a study — it sounds like something a chubby guy says after being on the treadmill for two minutes.
Read more on Newsmax.com: The Best of Late Nite Jokes -- Newsmax.com
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