Internal memo to FBNA Executives:
Here's the latest from our R&D lab. It seems they've been quite busy.
The Papal Blessing opened up all kinds of new doors for us. The Marketing (aka "Hype") department came up with several suggestions which have been implemented.
To wit ...
New FBNA Product Bulletin-
FBNA today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "FBNA God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McHeister, director of FBNA's new Religions division. "FBNA God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new FBNA Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to FBNA God, including:
FBNA Missionary: This conversion software will import all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
FBNA God for the World Wide Web: This product links FBNA God with FBNA Internet Information Server using the proprietary Omnipotent MaxiModem, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It also introduces several new Web technologies,
including Dynamic Divine Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be transferred via the Secure Alms Server.
FBNA Prayer: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will alow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. Prayer Templates make everyday prayers, like saying grace and children's bedtime payers, a snap. The Guardian Angel Secure Prayer Channel and Instant Thought Transfer technologies allow guaranteed, instantaneous delivery of the prayers to FBNA God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum theological learning curve.
FBNA Savior: This shareware product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to the password protected Secure Confessional Database, free for a trial period of forty days and forty nights. Thereafter, for unlimited, eternal usage and free Born Again upgrades, sinners are required to register and remit monthly tithes and offerings. Major credit cards accepted. Future transgressions will then be atoned and a clear line of secure communications to the FBNA God Salvation server will be provided.
Additional products to be available by spring of the millennium:
+Gabriel's Trumpet sound card
+Revelation, version 666, decryption software
+Joyous Scepter joystick
+Visions 7-D Graphics card
+Gideon book: "God for Dummies"
+Celestial Sounds Thunderbolt 20 gigawatt speaker system
+SimParadise and SimCreation software
+AfterDark Flying Cherubs screensaver
TED |
