The 2014 State of The Union Address - Date TBD
After a bow to the East -
“Good evening,
The good news is Michelle and I have pensions for life. Incidentally, that’s almost as long as the new, long-term unemployment extension I passed.
I’ll have to borrow the money to pay for your programs from Uruguay, but I am negotiating a favorable Peso rate.
I want to thank each and every American who voted for me, especially the record numbers who did so posthumously. I only wish you had voted more often. I would have looked better.
I want to take a moment to look back on my achievements.
I passed a national health care program, and I got it up and running. I got Mynamar to agree to help pay for that. I got so many doctors to quit practicing medicine that medicare is projected to be solvent in only 68 more years.
I see blue skies coming to America because I stopped the Keystone pipeline; I slashed the domestic energy industry, and I made our oil reserves available to the Chinese.
I think we can all see the results in reduced traffic at the drive-through and increased sales of bicycles and skateboards. I know a gallon of unleaded will now set you back twelve bucks, but the good news is, you can now pay for that gas with the food stamps I give you.
To save money I eliminated the Department of Defense, so we are engaged in no more foreign wars. Sure, Taiwan, the Philippines, and Maui are now colonies of the People’s Republic of China. Yes, Mexican drug cartels have surrounded the Alamo. And, admittedly, the number of rogue states with nuclear weapons has grown exponentially to include Iran, Venezuela, Cuba, Luxembourg and Solyndra. But my family and I are safe.
I am currently negotiating the sale of the Pentagon to a mushroom grower. That will give me all the money I need for my vacations and golf habit, and you get to keep the light fixtures and all 643 latte wagons.
I am not economizing on our security. I have doubled the number of TSA airport security officers, and I authorized them to conduct strip searches on anyone, anywhere, at anytime.
Thanks to bailouts and takeovers ordered by me during my administration, the government now owns 45% of private businesses in this nation. I have had a 98% success rate in running those businesses into the ground. By the way, I don’t agree with critics who say that including permanent Obama 2012 bumper stickers on all new GM cars was responsible for that auto company’s plummeting sales.
To save money, next year, I plan to eliminate food stamps and start sending you seed packets every month.
The best news is that this nation, struggling with unsustainable debt, massive unemployment, declining international prestige and influence, and worthless currency is not my problem anymore. It is your problem.
Thank You, and God Bless The UN.
|
