Thursday Jan 24 2013
Late Night Jokes Archive
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A scary moment at John Kerry's secretary of state confirmation hearing. One of the senators had taken his Ambien the night before and combined with the stuffy room and Kerry's boring speech, he slipped a coma.
Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?
Manti Te'o sat down for an interview with Katie Couric today. Katie asked him at what point did he know something was amiss? My guess is when he found that she wasn't a miss.
The Lakers are so bad that the only ring Kobe Bryant is going to see this year is if he goes to see "The Hobbit."
Conan
Apple has reported a drop in profits this quarter, a big drop. Experts warned that Apple could run out of money — 600 years from now.
The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment.
North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The New Orleans Hornets have announced plans to change their name to the New Orleans Pelicans. Meanwhile, the Lakers want to change their name to the Clippers.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am your host, Matt Damon. Hey, just for starters, let me ask you guys this. As an audience, is it weird to see a person with actual talent host this show?
I'm very excited to be here. Jimmy has bumped me from his show 1,205 times. For 10 years, every night I wait in that green room. And every night, Kimmel says, "Apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time." So I've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time.
Jimmy Kimmel is to late-night talk show hosts what Magic Johnson is to late-night talk show hosts.
Hey Jimmy, did you hear the joke about Lindsay Lohan? Because I have — 1,205 times.
You might be wondering what makes me qualified to fill in tonight. I think I can do this. How hard can it be to read from cue cards anyway?
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