Ban trees: sperm-spewing phallic symbols of male oppression
Molotov Mimosa
5/19/2015, 5:37 pm
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A modest proposal to President Barack Hussein Obama, Father of Nations, Turner of Ocean Tides, Brilliant Genius of Humanity, Restorer of Science, Great Architect of the Greatest Economic Recovery and Gardener of Human Happiness.
Dear Leader,
I humbly write today to denounce subversive and counter-revolutionary activities of certain botanical bullies, which you may know as "trees." Each spring they discharge their filthy male gametes in the form of pollen all of the property of the Collective, most notably, the People™, thus exemplifying reactionary biological functions, promoting male chauvinism, furthering the relentless Republican War on Women, and sabotaging the glorious economic recovery of your making.
As such, in all justice and right reason, "trees" ought to be banned by law or executive order, in the anticipation of the Glorious World of Next Tuesday™.
The case against these botanical subversives is composed of three pillars:
Some ideologically unsound biology texts may argue that spewing male gametes is a natural process, but this is nothing more than a barbaric display of male hegemony. Biology, like all other science, must be restored to its rightful place, which is right behind Current Truth™, lest it be discredited and ignored. The precedents include the so-called "biological fact" of a fetus being genetically distinct from its mother and father at the moment of conception, or our female comrades having on average less muscle mass than the male comrades have (except in the Motherland), or the "pause" in Anthropogenic Global Warming (aka Climate Change).
. The damage caused to said property of the State (the People™) in the form of allergies could result in the loss of government's productivity, chiefly printing food stamps and government checks, diminishing this great economic recovery of which we all share the bounty. Theoretically this may also deplete the resources of the State for its grand works, ever since Obamacare has codified maintenance cost of the People™ as the collective's property. In practice, however, the collective can simply blame capitalist pig insurance companies, then dispose of their property whenever it sees fit, reducing these pesky maintenance costs.
. Trees as "standing wood" could be interpreted as a phallic symbol, promoting the rape culture across this great collective of ours, especially on college campuses. I would expand, but I believe Rolling Stone is doing a cover article on the topic next month.
Though previous indoctrination tells us that trees are more important than people, newer progressive scientific developments indicate that eradication of masculinity (excepting LGBTQ or FLOTUS) may be of greater importance than keeping trees. I would guess that the Watermelon Wing of the Party™ could be re-educated in a FEMA camp of your choosing, or simply purged.
Though, as I type, I do see now that there are already very few trees in places where your glorious ideals of equality have been brought to fruition and the rich have been cast out (West Philadelphia, Watts, Detroit, Chicago, Baltimore, Camden, etc). I weep openly when I think of the victory for the People™ in these places, and I now see the majesty and glory of your foresight! You have already planned this for us in these bastions of equality!
I now suspect that this humble proposal may be redundant. I am confused, but that is to be expected, as I am a mere slug in your mighty presence. I would simply delete this letter, but the NSA has probably already monitored my keystrokes. As such, I shall report to the nearest processing station and await my train with a heavy coat and my own well-oiled shovel.
Comrade Molotov Mimosa
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