(I went over the word count..........just making up for all the times I haven't posted.)
Who am I?
On the day I was born, the minute I was born, there were nouns that applied to me. On August 1st, 1961 before I even had a name, I was already a daughter and a sister. I was the third child born to my parents, their second daughter. Together my parents already had two children, Joe who was 4 years old and Julie who was 15 months old. I was their sister. For many years, those two words that describe a female, were the only two that applied to me.
Along about the time I reached high school, I hoped to have the title girlfriend. But I am not sure that title applied to me until I was in college. In high school not being a girlfriend may have seemed like the end of the world. My friends Mickey and Dar, they were always someone’s girlfriend. I think I was just pickier than them. I wasn’t settling to be just anybody’s girlfriend! On and off I added the word girlfriend to the words that defined me as a female, but those relationships just weren’t what I was looking for.
In the spring of 1983, I was thrilled with the anticipation of adding a new term to describe me as a female. I eagerly awaited the birth of my sister’s first child. Jessica was born on May 1st, 1983, thus making me an “aunt” for the first time. I was thrilled to have a niece. I guess back when I was born, that would have been another term that applied to me. As my mom and dad both had siblings……..so that made me a niece!
I was in my early twenties, and I was a daughter, a sister, a niece, had occasionally been a girlfriend, and now also an aunt.
It wasn’t until I was nearly finished with college the term girlfriend applied to me in a way that made me smile from ear to ear. I was the girlfriend of “the guy from the Goodyear store,” as I had previously referred to him in letters I had written to my sister. The first time I mentioned him, I didn’t even know his name. I soon found out his name was Mike and he quickly made me his girlfriend. Our first date was Aug 29th, 1983. Being just his girlfriend lasted less than two weeks. On Sept 12, 1983, the night of it being exactly two weeks from our first date, the female titles changed again. I was now not just a girlfriend but a fiancé. Some of my friends wondered if I had lost my mind! They said I hardly knew this man, how could I seriously be engaged to him. But I knew……I knew Mike was the one. He was the one that would change my titles again, he is the one that would make me a bride and a wife. One day before the 8 month anniversary of our first date, on April 28th, 1984, I was the bride and became a Mrs. and a wife.
As time moved on, though quite content with my title of wife, I wanted another title. I wanted to add Mother to the list of words that described me as a woman. Month after month I struggled with not being a Mom. I spent more money on pregnancy test than I cared to count, hoping for that elusive “+” sign that would signify I was pregnant. In early 1988, Mike was in a really bad car accident. I gave up my desire to be a mom. I decided I was going to be content with the blessing of being Mike’s wife. A few short weeks later I found out that I was indeed going to be a Mom. I took comfort in the weeks and weeks of morning sickness. To me it signified that I really was going to be a Mom! On September 30th, 1988, Emily was born. I was now a Mom. Over the next 8 years, I would add 3 more children, all son’s, to my title of Mom. Michael, Brian and Kevin completed our family.
Over the next twenty some years, I maintained my female roles as a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, wife and Mother.
Four weeks ago, that all changed. As I looked in the mirror one evening it hit me, hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer a wife, but I had a new title. One I had not anticipated, one I figured I was way too young to have apply to me. As I looked in that mirror, I saw that same woman I was just a short 24 hours earlier. Though I looked the same, same length brown hair with some grays near the front, the same blue eyes, the same rosy cheeks, the same lips, the same teeth, I had a new female description. I stared in the mirror in disbelief. How could the word “widow” now apply to me? Just a few short days before that Mike and I had celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary, 31 years of being a wife. On May 8th, 2015 I became a widow. It’s been one month now, I still look in the mirror and see the same person I used to see, but I know that that person is forever changed. |
