Paul, Re: good to start "anew"
You're right. It will be.
On a light note, here's some humor I just received via e-mail.
Organizational Changes at the North Pole
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TO: Public release
RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good
deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about
other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining
was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels
and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share.
He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of
a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole
has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce
and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate
comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context
at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply
not cost effective. In addition, their romance during
working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice
mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is
underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as
well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear
to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example
of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider
this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of
the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older
and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords
plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a
string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies
indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will
be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
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BARBIE RIGHTS SANTA
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Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake
tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to
ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better
be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call
for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it).
So here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any
idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up
your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's
with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with
him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you
have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't
cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an
advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete
with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough
ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with
my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and
handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking
my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I
deserve it.
OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution
to society, don't think these requests are out of line. If
you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll
for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
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INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
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As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January,1990)
-I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most
of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15%
of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference
Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,
that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good
child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that
each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking
about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles,
not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh
is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego
set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion
as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within
4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A
250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to
the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
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Barry |
