| | | Who wants to watch a bunch of multi-millionaire black thugs with room-temperature IQs crying about how bad they have it and openly hating whitey in Ultra-HD 4K? Instead, the latest liveleak episodes of America's Most Dangerous Jails are far more entertaining.
To boost ratings again and repair the league's relationship with former fans, the NFL must implement major reforms, including changing the game and its archaic rules. First, get rid of footballs, safety equipment, and the limit of 11 players on the field per team. All of that is so 'yesterday'.
Second, get rid of kickers, punters, and quarterbacks too. Replace them with the most dangerous convicts who are housed in D-block at the local maximum-security penitentiary. A Michael Dukakis-style weekend furlough program could be used to secure the temporary releases of selected inmates each week.
Arm all 53 players on both teams with guns, knives, spears, and canvas shields with their gang, er, I mean team battle colors painted on. Blow a battle horn and let the rival gangs, er, I mean the opposing teams have at it for 60 consecutive minutes, just like the riots and gang warfare that occur on the streets of Chicongo, Killadelphia, and Assaultimore each night. No sissy timeouts or out of bounds either.
The only rule of the game should be "don't get yourself killed." Oh, and no officials or coaches either. They're too much like the police and teachers, which, like the flag and national anthem, no longer reflect modern-day America. Keep score by counting the kill shots notched against opposing gang members, er, I mean team players. A death is simply 1 point. Anything less is 0 points.
And there you have it -- an upgraded, modern game that is far more reflective of present-day America. |
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