King Druss,
I guess everybody else that used to frequent this place is off getting hosed or scratching their heads about what they can do with the market - as if you, or rather, Boiler Room Discount Brokerage, hasn't told them what they can do with the market.
However you found Lucky Lucy has got to the worst accident. She swore she was always going to be faithful to Cro-Magnon Jim. And besides which, I didn't think her prison term was over with so soon. She must've hosed the warden.
It's true I've shared many a cardboard box with wankers like dRoss, and the DSGumby, who consumed every single drop of Thunderbird that ever came within a whiff of the rarified atmosphere you can only obtain inside the confines of a 'Stand Upright.'
And yes, that was my address. For years I suffered the indignities of receiving mail that began 'Dear Shithead,' or 'Hey, You!'.. but then I got wise and left Lawless Lucy.
That story about me building a shack that Lucy Retardo (her parents were slightly bent, twisted, absent from mental occupation of the earth, believed that was what Ricky's last name was - hence the cruel children's rhyme 'Her name is Ricardo, she is a Retardo' - I guess they can be forgiven since they lived in a tree above the Television store) told you is obviously a lie designed to cover up for what really happened.
There was this one-toothed nimrod occupying a 'Refrigerate' box just under the Retardo family tree. He was some snaggle-toothed one-eyed wonder-wank called Boris ( but you could say Hi Pud). This guy's 'roids were so bad he often got mistaken for a trainman because of the long red kerchiefs they used to trail out of their back pockets. And he was both a joy to behold - stooped, crewcut covering a steeple-like head, and hands lingering over the pavement - and to hear, due to his crowning achievement of eructating at any moment, no matter the proximity of animal, familiar vegetable, or even humankind.
Unfortunately someone informed the local chapter of the Police that Boris was smuggling large Cokes around in his briefcase. (We used to wonder where he got the bucks for those cigars.)
The Blubber Squad was onto him in no time. As far as I am aware he and the local cops share the invention of the doughnut. Boris, always gobbling Coke and eating chips, not to mention sticking polar bear plops in his mouth due to their resemblance to his beloved cigars, was stricken with an attack of 'conscience' and rushed for the one-man habitat. The only problem was that there was a steel lid, undoubtedly foisted upon the unsuspecting natives by some sharpie who had a need for a larger tire rim. Being that it was so cold, Boris grabbed the nearest thing that would save his nether regions from our nether weather, and sat upon it. And that happened to be some challah, eggbread.
Having finished, he rushed back for some Coke and chips.
Quite awhile later, along comes Crumbcake Lee, and begins heating the rim. While he was doing this, Lucky Lucy found him and thought he was setting the king's chair on fire. As he ran off, she only managed to grab the O nut ( that being what people had called it, for a time that seemed immemorial, it being in the shape of an O and hardened like one of the bolts and nuts).
But being that Boris' rain had run straight through the loaf, and that Lee's criminal torch had softened it (and as Lucy always said, fresh baked bread sure do smell good), she carried it to the local barbershop where a cruel thing occurred.
As she came in the door, one rascal, reported to be Mitchie, made fun of her and yelled out Dohhhhhh, obscuring the sounds of Police Chief, JCWiggy who, describing his own past, had just finished saying what kind of a...'... fucking Nut...' he had been.
But the moment of glory was Boris grabbing the thing now-known-as-a-dohnut and knocking the wax right out of Lucky Lucy's one ear.
Of course DSGumby, tried to intervene and said 'Give me that, dognuts' whereupon of course Boris thumped his loaf for him and said, 'It's not dognuts, it's doughnut, you 'roid.'
Since Boris was made into a hero, I got to occupy the cardboard box and wouldn't change it for the world. |
