Remote Tribe Erupts In Celebration As Atheist Missionary Informs Them Life Has No Meaning
November 3, 2017
PAPUA NEW GUINEA—After months of slow, arduous language work and the full translation of The God Delusion into their native tongue, an atheist missionary enjoyed the fruits of his labor as the entire tribe he was working with erupted in ritualistic rejoicing after coming to believe life has no objective meaning whatsoever.
In a special teaching session held in the village square, the missionary delivered an impassioned speech arguing that God does not exist and that we are all just stardust with no ultimate meaning or purpose.
“I see that you are a religious people,” he said, gesturing to their tribal relics and decorations throughout the village. “Well, I’m here today to replace your belief in angry deities you have to appease with sacrifice and good works with the good news that your lives are absolutely worthless.”
“Seriously, none of this matters. We’re all just highly evolved primates dancing to our DNA, so do whatever. I don’t care,” he added at the conclusion of the message.
After a few moments of tense silence, the tribesmen began to jump up and down in a joyous dance, shouting, “EE-TAOW!! EE-TAOW!!”, an expression of joy and wonder in their language. Tribal elders outfitted themselves in sacred garb and face paint as the dancing went on for hours, and the atheist missionary was lifted up on the tribesmen’s shoulders in a celebration of their newfound hope that everything they’ve ever known is simply the result of cold, uncaring chance.
At publishing time, the tribal people were fashioning fedoras out of fronds and posting obnoxious atheist memes on Facebook.
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