Stephen Colbert Goes After Trump for Misspelling His Own Name
By Trish Bendix Aug. 7, 2019
nytimes.com
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. If you’re interested in hearing from The Times regularly about great TV, sign up for our Watching newsletter and get recommendations straight to your inbox.
And You Get a Soybean!
The continuing trade war between the United States and China is having a noticeable effect on the stock market.
“China has just announced they will no longer buy any agricultural products from the United States, meaning Trump’s policies could now cost American farmers billions of dollars. I know what you’re thinking — the master negotiator strikes again!” — JAMES CORDEN
“It’s tanking the markets, it’s straining diplomatic relations and, in fact, yesterday, when I opened a fortune cookie, it just read, ‘Sup, [expletive]? Here’s your lucky numbers.’” — TREVOR NOAH
“I mean, getting rid of corn — that part’s going to be easy because every Democrat running for president eats two ears of corn at the Iowa State Fair. And if my calculations are correct, that’s about 10 million. How many people are running? It works out.” — TREVOR NOAH
“The other vegetables will be harder. I think we might need Oprah back. She can move some products. Just have her come out: ‘You know what my favorite thing is? Soybeans!’ And everyone will be like, ‘I love soybeans!’” — TREVOR NOAH
“Thanks to our trade war with China, stocks have been up and down, and I saw that Apple lost almost $50 billion. Then every customer with a missing AirPod was like, ‘Sucks losing something, doesn’t it?’” — JIMMY FALLON
“China is no longer buying from American farmers, so be sure to do your part to help out. At the farmer’s market this weekend, pick up a couple of extra tomatoes and maybe an extra two million pounds of soybeans.” — JAMES CORDEN
“As you know, this all comes as a response to President Trump recently increasing tariffs on Chinese goods. I’m not an economist, but I think it’s because someone’s a bit jealous of someone else’s wall.” — JAMES CORDEN
The Punchiest Punchlines (‘Ttump’ Edition)
Credit
Video by The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump gets a lot wrong, but he outdid himself today. Today, he became the first president of the United States ever to misspell his own name.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Donald ‘Ttump’? I guess when your fingers are covered in dippin’ sauce that happens.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“How can you misspell your name when it’s on your buildings, your golf course, your vodka, your water and all the casinos you bankrupted? It’s everywhere.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“I have to believe if Sarah Huckabee Sanders was still alive, God rest her soul, she’d be out on the White House lawn shouting that his name is and has always been Donald Ttump. We’re too fake news to know it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“When Don Jr. saw that, he was like, ‘I can’t believe I’ve been spelling it wrong this whole time!’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Meanwhile, staffers told Trump he misspelled his name. He tweeted this, ‘Sorry, I meant to say Ddnald Ttump.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Now, I wasn’t sure who Donald Ttump was, so I Googled him, and it said he was a tuh-torrible tacist who shouldn’t be puhtesident.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
nytimes.com |
