| | | Tom Brady plans to remain in Florida after his retirement.
He likes the low inflation there.
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A man walks into his sons room with a lie detector and says…
“Son, I know you were not at school this morning. I have a lie detector, so whenever you say a lie it will beep. Understand?”
The son replied, “Look Dad, I swear I was at school!”
The lie detector beeped.
He said, “fine I was at the movies with my friends.”
The lie detector beeped again.
He finally admitted that he was at his friends house drinking and vaping.
The father said, “Son I’m extremely disappointed in you. When I was your age I would never do such a thing.”
The lie detector beeped for a fourth time.
The mother walked in right at that moment and said, “Oh my gosh, he really is your son isn’t he.”
The lie detector beeped once more.
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What’s the difference between Texas and taxes?
Taxes can keep an electrical grid running.
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What day of the year is a ballerina’s favorite?
2/2
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A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”
“Every time me and my wife are doing 69, she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”
His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem! But what fixed it for me is; every time when we we did 69 and I felt her slow down; I would fire a shot from my gun into the ceiling and that would wake her right up!”
The man says that’s a good idea and goes home.
The next day he comes in waddling very slowly; wincing with every step. His friend is worried and asks him what’s wrong.
“I tried that stupid idea you told me! I felt her falling asleep while we were doing 69 so I fired a round from my gun into the roof and she got such a fright she sank her teeth into my dick, crapped on my face, and our mailman came sprinting out of the closet!!” |
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