Irish jokes from the past couple years:
How to speak like an Irishman:
Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked
( say them quickly ) | |
—
An Irish speech therapist
is trying to cure three stutterers of their speech defect with no success. Her job depends on curing at least one of the three men and she's starting to panic.
She finally tells them that if they can say the town they were born in without stuttering they can have sex with her.
She turns to the first guy and asks, " Where were you born?". The guy says du du du du Dublin.
She turns to the next guy and asks him and he says b b b b Belfast.
She turns to the last guy, asks him, and he says London.
As they're having sex a few minutes later he says d d d d Derry.
—
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
—
Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7 kids but only one toilet.
—
A couple just had their first son. The husband was half Irish and half Indian. The wife was half Chinese and half Italian. They both wished to have their son named after their heritage.
After much argument they decided on the name:
Ravi O’Lee.
—
A young Irish gay man decides its time to come out to his mother
'I've got some news to tell you mammy. I'm gay'
'Really, son. Well that's a bit of a shock, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But can I ask you two questions?
'Er, okay.'
'Do you like that there cocksucking. Getting a big hairy cock in your mouth and sucking it like a lollipop?'
'Yeah, sometimes'
'And do you like that there rimming. Getting your tongue up into some other man's hairy arsehole and having a good rummage around?'
'Well, not every night, but I've done it a few times'
'Ah, well, fair enough son. Just don't ever complain about the taste of my cooking again.’
—
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mick?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
—
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”
The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death” |
