Couldn't sleep last night-- the woman next door kept me up. She kept wanting candy bars.
All night long she cried out, "Oh, Henry, Oh Henry!”
—
Why are Jews bad golfers?
Because they slice their putts.
—
The Model
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise
some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days,a young, attractive woman applied for the room and
explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio
for a few weeks.
She said she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays but would pay
for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house, and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model."Because of my job, I
have to take a bath every night,and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the
yard, and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill
it with hot water."
"What about you're husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,"
replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that's settled, I'll go to the studio and
see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model.
After stripping her clothes, the model stepped into the bath.
Doris was amazed to see that she had no
pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and
explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when
modeling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity, and he did not
believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open, and you can peek
in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual, and Doris prepared the bath for the
model.
As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked toward the curtains and pointed toward the model's naked
pubic area.
Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own
hairy mass.
Later, Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why
did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris.
"But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have -- but the rest of the dart team hadn't.”
—
While auditioning for a gig as a lounge entertainer, the pianist plays a piece of his own composition.
"That's really beautiful," says the lounge owner, "what's it called?"
"Rip Off Her Clothes and Screw Her Doggy Style," the musician replies.
"Mind if I hear another?" asks the owner.
"Not at all," responds the musician, and proceeds to play another plaintive, heart-wrenching melody.
"And, if I may ask," says the owner, “What do you call this one?"
"Shove Your Dick Down Her Throat and Whistle a Happy Melody," replies the composer.
"Look," says the owner, "I love your music, but you're just going to have to keep the titles to yourself."
The pianist agrees, and goes to work that night. After the first set, he gets up to go to the john, and on his way back a customer stops him and whispers, "Excuse me, but do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock's hanging out?"
"Know it," responds the musician, "I wrote it!" |
