Some more from the past...
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One
transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their
golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good.
Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay,
but we start at 6:30 a.m" He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats
all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and
the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite
playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very
pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a
burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays
right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of
them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't
hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in
the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're
going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I
was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the
nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right
before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie
points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it
points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the
guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
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| From: Celtictrader | 9/5/2013 3:44:51 PM | | Read Replies (2) of 61951 | | | THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£37,000.";
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking £570,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's
what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?" |
|
Okay, this is important for the women reading this.
How do you know if your man is cheating on you?
Simple - he starts bathing twice a week!
(bada bing!)
Now for the men: the five rules of "woman"
1 It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. Finally the most important rule:
It's very, very important that these four women never meet.
(Yay! All the men in the audience applaud! All the women look grumpy.)
Okay okay you'll like this one.
Guy:"When I divorced we shared the house 50 / 50.
She got the inside...I got the outside !"
Next time, instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house - it's easier!
Gal:"Every time I find Mr Right my husband scares him away!"
Here's one pretty appropriate for SI:
Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest!
Everyone: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Some more:
The secret to successful investing for retirement is to keep your first wife!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
If the above advice makes you successful at the market, you owe me 10%
If not, hey why are you listening to a puppy?
Back to my blather:
Now if love is blind and marriage is an institution, then marriage is an institution for the blind.
(applause from the entire audience this time!)
You know, you just can't please women.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
Sheesh - still not happy!
A wife asked her husband,
"Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a lot of grieving, I guess I would.
We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asked again, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I suppose she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asked, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last along time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replied. "She's left-handed."
(drum roll please)
Speaking of golf…
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $8000 in it.
She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.
The husband said, "I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer."
The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said, "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $8000 in the drawer?"
The husband replied, "Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them."
(Audience: oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!)
Susan asked Joan, "Do you believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?"
Joan answered, "Why shouldn't I?"
Susan said, "Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Joan, "he never returns with any fish!"
(Guys in front row think for a minute, then turn bright red as they realize - that's where they went wrong!)
A boy in bath with his mother asked, "What's that hairy thing?"
Mother said, "That's my sponge."
The boy says, "Oh yeah, the babysitters got one too. I saw her washing Dad's face with it the other day."
(cymbals crash)
Pat and his friends were talking at a bar.
His first friend said, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine!"
His second friend said, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Pat then said, "You know - me too! Except I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious.", he said. "Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
(at least that wasn't shorts) |
