A groom gets drunk at his wedding reception and wakes up with a hangover. He says to his best man, "What happened last night?"
"Well," says the best man, "your new wife got drunk, got up from the table, and started dancing like mad. Then I got drunk, and I started dancing with her. Then you got drunk, and you saw us dancing together, and you got so angry at us that you kicked her in the crotch."
"Ouch!" says the groom. "That must have hurt."
"It sure did!" says the best man. "Two of my fingers got broken.”
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Planet: "Not everything revolves around you."
Sun: "Well, actually………………………………."
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Why aren't astronauts hungry after blasting into space ?
They always have a big launch.
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What is a light year ?
Same as a regular year, but with fewer calories.
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My daughter broke up with this amazing guy because he lost the top half of his foot in a tragic accident.
I asked her “did you break up with him because he was an amputee?”
She said, “no, it’s just that I am lack toes intolerant.”
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A blonde woman stops at the red light and is approached by a homeless guy
Homeless: "Hello ma'am! Can you please spare a few money ?"
The blonde ignores him and drives away as soon as the light turns green. She stops at the red light again and is apporached by the same homeless man
Homeless: "Hello again, ma'am! Would you give me some money if I wash your windshield ?"
The blonde ignores him again and drives away as soon as the light turns green. But when she stops at the red light the same homeless approaches her again
Homeless: "Hello once again, ma'am! Would you give me some money if I told you how to get out of the roundabout ?”
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Guy walks into a pub and sets his dog on the bar. The bartender says, Get that fucking dog off the bar. The guy says, Not so fast! He can talk! The bartender calms down and says, Okay, prove it -- but if he can't talk ...
...then I'm going to throw both of you through that door and into the street.
The guy says, No problem and proceeds to ask the dog what's on top of a house. The dog says, "Roof!" Then the guy says, What's the opposite of smooth and the dog says, "Rough!" Then the guy says, "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time, and the dog says, "Ruth!”
And with that, the bartender snarls, picks them up, and throws them both through the door and onto the street. They sit up, shake their heads and brush themselves off.
The dog looks at the guy and says, "Should I have said DiMaggio?" |
