I remember the first time I made love to my wife and I asked her: "Am I the first one?" She said:
"Why does everyone always ask me that?”
—
A man and his wife
are out walking one day when they spot a bloke sitting alone in a bus shelter on the other side of the road
‘That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there," says the woman.’
‘Go and ask him if he is.’
The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbishop of Canterbury.
‘Fuck off,’ says the man.
The husband crosses back to his wife who asks: ‘What did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?’
‘He told me to fuck off,’ says the husband.
‘Oh no,’ replies the wife, ‘now we’ll never know.’
—
Brother John entered the “Monastery of Silence” and the Abbott said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: “Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words.”
Brother John said, “Hard Bed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Abbott said. “We will get you a better bed.”
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. ”
You may say another two words, Brother John.”
“Cold Food,” said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.”
“I Quit,” said Brother John.
“It is probably best,” said the Abbott. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
—
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,
waved,hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
—
Johnny's dream was to work in the dairy case at his local super market...
He went in and asked to speak to the manager, who informed him that the only open positions were at the registers, assisting customers with their groceries.
"If I work real hard at that, do I have the potential to move up and eventually stock the dairy?" he asked.
The manager frowned and said, "I'm really sorry son, but our policy is firm: baggers can't be cheesers."
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