| | | Here is a copy of the first session of Peterson's re-education training.
Scene: a windowless seminar room at the College of Psychologists of Ontario. There is a flip chart to one side.
Enter JORDAN PETERSON, in a raffish suit and an agitated state. He debates where to sit, decides to stand. At length a FACILITATOR enters. She is airily pleasant, divinely certain.
FACILITATOR
Hello, you must be Jordan. I’m Karen, your facilitator. I’m really looking forward to taking this journey together, as we explore ways to be more fully human in our relationships with others online.
PETERSON
It’s Dr. Peterson to you, you empty-headed, officious agent of the fascist state.
FACILITATOR
As you wish. We try to call people what they want to be called. Have a seat, won’t you?
PETERSON
You think you can tell me whether to sit or stand? I’d rather die than submit to your totalitarian decrees.
FACILITATOR
Suit yourself. Now, to start off, we’re going to play a little game. I’m going to say a line, something you might see on social media, and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Here we go. I say: “It’s hard finding work as a plus-sized model, given society’s tendency to equate beauty with slimness.” And you say…
PETERSON
Suck it up, porky. In some societies you’d be on the menu.
FACILITATOR
… Ummm, okay. Let’s, uh, work with that. Now how do you think your response would make that person feel? Is that the sort of thing they expect to hear … from their psychologist?
PETERSON
Too bad! It’s not my job to make people feel better!
FACILITATOR
It kind of is, actual –
PETERSON
I will speak as I choose! And no lunatic cabal of cultural Marxists can force me to speak otherwise. To concede this point – to concede any point, in whatever degree – is to place society irreversibly on the train to dystopia.
FACILITATOR
All right. Let’s try another game. What words do you associate with the idea of being kind to people online?
She prepares to write them down on the flip chart.
PETERSON
Snivelling. Weak. Effeminate.
FACILITATOR
What I hear you saying is kindness makes you uncomfortable.
PETERSON
What you hear me saying is I defy utterly your Gestapo-like rules of decorum.
FACILITATOR
Interesting. This is a textbook case of oppositional defiance disorder.
PETERSON
No it isn’t.
FACILITATOR
You want to behave like a decent person, but you fear that if you conform to social conventions in this way you will lose your identity.
PETERSON
Hmmm. Interesting.
FACILITATOR
What?
PETERSON
You feel that by forcing other people to conform you can assert your place in the social order and win the approval of your mother.
FACILITATOR
Dr. Peterson, we are not here to psychoanalyze me. We’re here to help you learn how to express yourself on social media in a way that is inclusive and welcoming.
PETERSON
Inclusivity is death! It is the path that lights the way to madness and mediocrity.
FACILITATOR
Maybe you’re more inclusive than you know. Now, why don’t we try learning some alternate phrasing, ways of saying things that are less gratuitously insulting and offensive to others.
PETERSON
Sod off.
FACILITATOR
Let’s see. In this tweet you call a city councillor who uses they/them pronouns “an appalling, self-righteous, moralizing thing.” What are some words we might have used here instead?
PETERSON
Priggish? Performative? Sanctimonious?
FACILITATOR
No, those are just as bad. Don’t you see? You’re suggesting their deepest feelings are unworthy of respect.
PETERSON
But what if that’s one of my deepest feelings?
FACILITATOR
Well, that’s why we’re here. To beat them out of you.
PETERSON
Tyrannical thought police!
FACILITATOR
Willfully obnoxious freak!
PETERSON
Lickspittles of dictatorship! Fanatical enforcers of woke dogma!
FACILITATOR
Paranoid, self-aggrandizing hysteric! Pompous stuffed shirt with a martyr complex!
PETERSON
Neo-Orwellian pimps of progressive orthod –
FACILITATOR
Whoops, sorry, I see our hour is up. Thank you, Dr. Peterson. Same time Thursday?
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