The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.....
My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I Had To Share My Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said....
"What's for dinner, Zorro?”
—
One hot, dry summer day a big black bear walked into a bar in Baraboo, WI sat down and ordered a beer. The bar tender unfazed said "I'm sorry, we don't serve big black bears beers in Baraboo bars."
The bear gave a growl and said again "I want a beer!"
Still unfazed the bartender repeats himself "I'm sorry, we don't serve big black bears beers in Baraboo bars."
The bear points to a woman at the end of the bar and says "Watch this!" He then attacks her and swallow her almost whole. As he makes his way back he again growls "I WANT A BEER...NOW!"
Without batting an eye the bartender says in the same even tone "I'm sorry, we don't serve big black bears beers in Baraboo bars."
In disbelief the bear asked if he saw what he did to the woman and why he wasn't afraid the same thing would happen to him.
The bartender replied "I'm not afraid because you'll be asleep very soon."
The bear incredulously queried "How do you figure?"
To which the bartender smiled and told him "Because that was a bar bitch you ate!”
—
My body is a temple.
What I mean by that is, it looks and feels like something the Romans destroyed 2,500 years ago.
--
You can always spot a guy who masturbates a lot by looking at his hands.
One of them will have a wedding ring on it.
--
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is
when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers.”
--
So I was balls deep in this girl scout, right?
And all I could think about was: “How in the fuck am I going to pay for these cookies?”
--
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
10 minutes of silence.
—
Blonde Waitress
Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please?
Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead? |
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