My perfect breakfast:
My son on a box of wheaties, my girlfriend on the cover of playboy,my wife on the back of a milk carton…
——————
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little
girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!". "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!”
—
Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be on the black market.
—
A family is driving behind a truck loaded with junk when a dildo flies out and hits their windshield. The boys are immediately interested and one of them asks what it was.
Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"
--------------
A man proposes to his girlfriend of one year. She says yes, but has one condition. "I will marry you but I want to get married in Minnesota," the woman says. "There, you can meet my family and we can have a beautiful ceremony. Only then can we consummate the marriage." The woman, who is a virgin, says she has no experience with sex and wants her first time to be a memorable one. The man, because she is young and beautiful, obliges, and suggests they leave for Minnesota as soon as possible.
The next day, they got on a bus from New York. The only other passengers were members of a high school hockey team.
After 100 miles on the road, the bus breaks down and everyone has to get off the bus while it is repaired. While the man and woman wait, the man suggests the two go off into the woods and have a little fun since the bus won't leave for another hour. She is flattered, but says: "I think we should wait," and so they get back on the bus.
After another hundred miles, the bus breaks down again. Everyone gets off the bus and waits for it to be repaired. Again, the man asks his girlfriend to sneak off while they wait. "How about now?" he asks. "This journey is taking forever and I cannot wait any longer!" Flattered, she insists they wait until they arrive in Minnesota. Everyone soon gets back on the bus.
For a third time, the bus breaks down. The man figures it is not worth bothering his girlfriend a third time. "She might become annoyed and not want to marry me," he thinks. Suddenly, she takes his hand, brings him into the woods and she experiences her first time.
As they are walking back to the bus, the man cannot help but say: "That was wonderful. You are a skillful lover! But what made you change your mind about having your first time after the wedding?"
The women looks at him and says: "Well, the hockey team said 'By the time we get to Minnesota, the fucking season would be over.’"
———
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine..
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. |
|
|
