Wedding rehearsals… because ruining your life takes practice.
—
A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire had reached the final plateau.
And as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?”
She did not know the answer. And she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is ‘C’ — the cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
Time was up. “I need an answer,” said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C) the cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis.
“Yes, that is my final answer,” she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, “I regret to inform you that that answer is … absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
“Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice.”
“You’re welcome!” the blonde said.
“By the way,” the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. “How did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”
—
So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
—
One evening a husband and wife were in bed. The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV. The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love. A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife's panties then withdraws his hand.
Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood. "She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know forsure. The husband repeats the same move again. She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for sex. Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, "Dear, I’m all ready!" The husband asks, "For what? "She says, "Well, for sex, dear! You've fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I'm ready!" The husband replies, "Huh? Sex?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.
—
I can't remember the last time I heard a good Alzheimers joke.
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There was a piece of cake in the fridge and a note on it saying "Don't eat me." I left an empty plate with my own note: "I don't take orders from a cake.”
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When I was at Wimbledon, I was talking to this guy who said he was a ball boy, I told him I was more of a breast man myself. |
