Our marriage counselor said we needed to talk about the elephant in the room.
I turned to my wife and said: "See, even she thinks you're fat.”
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Sometimes my secretary reminds me of my wife.
I was running my hand up her skirt at lunch the other day when she said, "Remember, you have a wife.”
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The guy who invented the mohawk was originally
just trying to get his sideburns the same length.
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Last week at Costco I had a big bag of Happy Dog Chow in my cart, and as I passed a woman shopper she asked me if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, a giraffe?
Well, I’m retired and always on the lookout for fun, so I told her I didn’t actually have a dog, but I was starting on the “Happy Dog” diet again.
“It’s really simple” I said. “You just keep your pockets full of Happy Dog chunks, and every time you feel your stomach rumble you just pop a couple in your mouth. It’s nutritionally complete, has lots of fiber, and last time I lost 25 pounds.”
A few more people had stopped and were listening by this time, and they all seemed mesmerized. When you live long enough to be retired, you realize people will believe anything if you make it interesting.
So I really cranked it up and said, “Even though it worked great and I lost weight, I’m not sure it’s a good idea, because last time I wound up in intensive care.”
The woman opened her eyes wide and asked, “Were you poisoned by the dog food?”
“No,” I said. “I, was just minding my business, sucking my dick in the middle of the street, and a car ran me over”. |
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