Ruff... Ruff
1. How did the dog get from Boston to New York?
He took a Greyhound.
2. Why do poor dogs chase their tails?
They’re just trying to make ends meet.
3. How do dogcatchers get paid?
By the pound.
4. Why do dogs make the best arborists?
Because they are experts in bark.
5. Why did the dog skip the prom?
Because he had two left feet.
6. What did the dog install in his car to impress all his friends?
A subwoofer!
7. What kind of dog can jump as high as a tall building?
Any kind. A building can’t jump!
8. What’s the most popular dog breed among magicians?
The labracadabrador.
9. What do you call a dog that’s playing outdoors in winter?
A chili dog.
10. What did the therapy dog say to her client?
“That’s ruff.”
11. What do dogs get after they graduate from obedience school?
Their masters.
12. Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
He always wanted to get a long little doggy.
13. What do you get a dog for its birthday?
Pupcakes!
14. Why are there no losers in a dachshund race?
They’re all weiners.
15. Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer.
—
I think I might have dyslexia.
But on the bright side, I'm hung like Einstein and I have the brains of a horse.
—
I was in a restuarant last night and was unhappy with my meal. So, I called the waiter over and said, "Waiter, my soup is cold!" The waiter replied, "It's Gazpacho."
So I said, " Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"
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An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…"
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?”
—
After a long, fulfilling life, an elderly veterinarian passed away peacefully in his sleep, and woke up in heaven.
He was greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who asked the veterinarian to testify for himself and recount the events of his life, both good and bad.
The vet supposed that he should be honest, and began to speak. “I’m afraid I wasn’t always a perfect man. I had a horrible temper in my youth, and would often get into violent brawls with other young men. During one of these fights, in fact, things became so heated that a large bookshelf fell on my left leg, which had to be amputated below the knee.” At this, he pulled up the hem of his robe to reveal a prosthetic leg.
“However,” he continued, “I grew out of these violent outbursts soon after, and devoted my life to the well-being of animals. Not only have I worked tirelessly as a veterinarian for decades, I also invented a unique, environmentally-friendly chew toy made from the fur of livestock. My patients have told me that these creations work wonders for their dogs’ dental hygiene. In fact, I think I have a couple of these little chew toys here in my pocket. You can look at them if you’d like.”
The vet fished two small balls of leather and hair from his pocket, and handed them to St. Peter.
St. Peter examined the pair of objects in his hand, then looked back up to the man’s prosthetic leg. After glancing back and forth between the two several times, he pressed a button on his desk, and the gates to heaven swung open.
“Oh, thank you!” the veterinarian cried, overjoyed. “But if I might ask, how did you end up deciding to let me in?”
“It’s simple,” St. Peter replied. “Your fur chews outnumbered your shins.”
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