It's been a rough day so far.
I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to take a pee.
—
I think the last time I was inside a woman,
was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
—
I used to go out with a girl who had
such a terrible stutter, by the time she said she wouldn't, she had.
—
The couple had been married for twenty years.
It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget.
He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!"
She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off.”
—
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!”
—
The roadrunner was zooming down the road when he got to feeling a little horny. Suddenly he saw a lark. He grabbed the lark and jumped in the bushes. In a few minutes the lark stumbled back on the road and said "I'm a lark and I've been sparked”.
The roadrunner went on down the road until he saw a dove. Still feeling randy he grabbed the dove and jumped in the bushes. After some commotion the dove stumbled back out and said "I'm a dove and I've been loved”.
As the roadrunner continued he came across a duck so he grabbed the duck and into the bushes they went. After a lot of thrashing, dust flying, and commotion, the duck staggers out and says ," I'm a drake and there's been a mistake!" |
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