Tenchu's Thoughts: Come on Trump, Pardon the Assassin!
I have a modest proposal.
This guy is incredibly popular among the American public.
Many people on BOTH sides of the political spectrum think he's a hero, and that the UNH CEO deserved what came to him.
So I challenge Trump to pardon this man.
Why? Several reasons:
#1 - His love of McDonald's
Come on, the people's hero just wanted to enjoy his McRib sandwich while it was back in season. Why should someone who is doing G-d's work have to look over his shoulder while enjoying a yummy Extra Value Meal?
Besides, he was caught in a Pennsylvania McDonald's. Pennsylvania, of course, is the home of the assassination attempt on Trump. It is also the home of the McDonald's that Trump "worked at."
So there should be a special significance behind the McDonald's that the assassin was finally caught at.
#2 - He's a Hero to the People, Not a Villian
Lots of people online think he should be acquitted.
Some are even volunteering to provide an alibi for this guy during the night of the murder.
Others are probably trying to find their way into the jury just so they can block his conviction.
But why should they have to do that, when Trump, the "man of the people," can simply wield his power of the pardon?
After all, if Brandon can pardon his coke-addled son for selfish reasons, Trump can pardon a murderer who is incredibly popular among the public.
#3 - It sends a chilling warning to other Big Insurance executives
Be warned, all you CEOs who want to get rich off of denying life-saving insurance claims. The next bullet could have your name on it.
It's now up to you to stop denying these claims for opaque or nonsensical reasons.
It's up to you to tell health care providers to stop overcharging for their services, since that's OBVIOUSLY the reason why you can't accept every claim out there, AMIRITE?
Since your own lives are now on the line, as well as the lives of your loved ones, I'm sure you will find a way to get it done.
Don't tell me that's not fair, because the public already thinks it's not fair how you have so much power to make life absolutely miserable for everyone.
#4 - It takes the pressure off of Trump to fix things himself
Trump infamously said that, when it came to replacing ObamaCare, he didn't have a plan. Instead, he only had a "concept of a plan."
Well, here is MY "concept of a plan."
Pardon the assassin and put the burden of fixing everything on Big Insurance.
That seems to be Trump's MO these days, BTW.
Get foreign countries to fix our fentanyl crisis.
Get Europe to enforce whatever ceasefire Trump wants to impose on Ukraine and RuZZia.
Get the states to deal with the issue of abortion.
Get the states to deal with our educational issues.
So why not get the CEOs of Big Insurance to fix the problems with health care in America for you? That way, you don't have to propose universal health care (which the left wants but the right hates), nor do you have to repeal ObamaCare (which Trump failed to do during his first term).
Downsides Schmownsides
"But but Tenchu, isn't this just going to increase vigilantism?"
Uh, YEAH, that's the entire point. See #3 above.
"But but Tenchu, doesn't this set a bad moral precedent? Health insurance is one thing, but what if this spills over into other industries? For example, what if some disgruntled customer assassinates the CEO of Starbucks because his or her grande cinnamon dolce suck your dick sideways latte wasn't made to order?"
Bah, since when did bad moral precedents matter under a Trumptatorship? Ends justify the means, dude.
"But but Tenchu, won't this just make Big Insurance CEOs just hire more private security?"
Of course, but let's see these CEOs also try and protect their spouses, their children, and their pets too.
Plus, they don't actually have to die. All we need to do is put the fear of G-d in them. For example, someone can simply send a horse's head to their doorstep (thanks Mario Puzo).
"But but Tenchu, we are supposed to be a nation of laws. We're not supposed to pardon murderers even if they killed someone who was universally reviled."
Bah, who gives a Brandon about laws? Trump is above the law anyway. Isn't that he won in 2024 despite having sparked an insurrection, committed 34 felonies, being civilly liable for fraud and sexual assault, and getting indicted for countless other felonies?
3-D Chess
Bottom line is that Trump can play a mean game of 3-D chess IF he starts with a bold move like pardoning the UNH CEO.
Is it reckless? Maybe, but it's no less reckless than anything else Trump is proposing these days.
Is it legal? Of course it is. Trump has the power of the pardon. Not only that, but he also has executive privilege, which was granted to him by our 6-3 Supreme Court.
Will this set a bad precedent? Who gives a Brandon? Like I said, Trump already set a bunch of bad or "questionable" precedents, and he will continue to set more as he pursues an untethered radical agenda.
So I challenge Trump: Pardon the assassin!
Tenchusatsu
P.S. This entire post is tongue-in-cheek, obviously. |
