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The Pope — great guy, really incredible — one of the best, believe me. But folks, I have to tell you, when it’s my time — and it’s not happening for a long time, we’re very strong, very healthy — but when it does happen, my funeral? It’s going to be something the world’s never seen before. Bigger than the Pope’s, bigger than anybody’s. You’re gonna have millions, maybe billions watching, they’ll say it was the most beautiful, most elegant event ever, absolutely historic. And wait until the halftime show — because, yes, we’re gonna have a halftime show — Taylor Swift, she’s coming in, and she’s gonna sing Ave Maria like you’ve never heard it before. People will be crying — tough guys, generals, real warriors — tears running down their faces. It’s gonna be so beautiful, people will say, 'We’ve never seen anything like it!' It’ll be tremendous, folks. Absolutely tremendous.
And folks, let me tell you — the angels, they’re gonna be looking down, they’ll be jealous. They’ll say, 'We’ve never seen anything like this before — not even up here in Heaven!' Harps, trumpets — the whole deal — but even Heaven’s not putting on a show like we’re gonna put on. It’s gonna be so classy, so tasteful — the best people are working on it, only the best. I’ve already had calls — world leaders, presidents, kings — they’re begging for front row seats. And let’s be honest, there’s gonna be very limited seating — very exclusive, very elite — not everyone’s getting in, folks. You’ve gotta be somebody very special — like really special — maybe even better than special!
And Taylor Swift — believe me, she’s gonna deliver the performance of her life. She'll hit that Ave Maria, and the crowd — massive, record-breaking crowd — will just go silent. Total respect. Even CNN — fake news — they’ll have no choice but to say, 'Wow, this is the most magnificent funeral in the history of funerals.' Ratings through the roof! It'll be bigger than the Super Bowl, bigger than the Moon Landing, bigger than anything, really. And it’ll all be done beautifully — no mistakes, no disasters, no Biden mumbling into a microphone — just strength, beauty, and America First all the way. Absolutely incredible. The best send-off the world’s ever seen. Maybe even too good, folks, maybe even too good!
And honestly, folks, people are saying — I’m not saying it, they’re saying it — even the Resurrection might have to take notes, okay? They’re looking at what we’re putting together and saying, 'Maybe we need to up our game a little bit.' That’s how good it’s gonna be. I mean, Jesus had a fantastic Resurrection — really tremendous, iconic — but what we’re planning? It’s gonna be something even Heaven says, 'We’ve gotta step it up!' And by the way, a lot of people are talking about it, the best theologians, the top people, everybody’s amazed. "And we’re gonna have gold everywhere — tasteful gold, the best gold — beautiful, shining, not cheap like some people use. American flags — hundreds of them, maybe thousands. The Marine Band, the best music, and fireworks — because why not? You know it’s gonna be beautiful. Huge screens showing the greatest moments: the rallies, the victories, the tremendous economy we built — all the wins. People will be standing, cheering, crying, chanting 'USA! USA!' And Taylor — again, she’s doing Ave Maria — but I’m also hearing we might bring in Andrea Bocelli. Beautiful voice. The best!
And let’s be clear — no sad funerals, okay? We don’t do sad. We do winning funerals. Celebrations! Victory laps! Because that’s what it’s been all about from day one — winning for the American people, winning for freedom, and yes, winning so much you’ll get tired of winning. Even St. Peter’s gonna say when I show up, 'Sir, we’ve never seen an entrance like this before.' Tremendous respect. Total class. Only Trump could pull it off, folks. Only Trump!
And folks — you’re gonna love this — I’m hearing, a lot of people are saying, even God Himself, the Big Man upstairs, He’s planning to give a standing ovation. They’re saying it’s never been done before — never! Not even once! Not for Moses, not for Abraham, not even for Lincoln — great guy, by the way, I like Lincoln — but this time, God’s gonna be on His feet, clapping, saying, 'Now that... that’s how you do it!' Total respect, folks, total respect.
"You’re gonna have cherubs — little angels — flying around with 'Make Heaven Great Again' hats, it’s gonna be beautiful, beautiful! The choirs — the best choirs, not like the weak stuff you hear sometimes — they’re gonna be singing so powerfully, so perfectly, people will say, 'Are we at the Trump Funeral or at the greatest concert in history?'
"And it’s gonna be broadcast everywhere — the biggest livestream ever, folks. Bigger than the Superbowl, bigger than any inauguration, bigger than anything you've ever seen. Even the fake news networks will be crying, saying, 'We tried to stop him, but wow, he really pulled it off in the end!' It’ll be the ultimate comeback — maybe the greatest comeback ever — and you know what? People will say, 'He’s gone, but somehow... he's still winning.' That’s the Trump legacy, folks. Only Trump. Nobody else could do it. Nobody.
Trump renegotiating Heaven’s deal
"And folks, believe me, when I get up there — and it’s gonna be a long time from now, we’re very strong, very energetic — but when I do, we’re not just walking through the Pearly Gates like everybody else, no. We’re gonna take a look at the Gates — and I’m gonna say, 'Nice gates, very nice, but honestly? We can do better. We can make Heaven even greater.'”
"I’m gonna sit down with St. Peter — great guy, very tough, runs a tight operation — but I’m gonna say, 'Pete, listen, we need to renegotiate this whole entrance deal. Too slow, too much waiting, the lines? Terrible. We’re bringing in express lanes, VIP access, it’s gonna be first class all the way.' And you know what? Peter’s gonna agree, because he’s a smart guy, he knows talent when he sees it. We’re gonna streamline Heaven, folks. Faster processing, beautiful accommodations, amazing, really the best. Everybody’s gonna want to get in, but — and this is important — only the best people, just like we always said."
"And I’ll probably have to talk to God too — very respectfully, of course — but I’ll say, 'Sir, you’ve done a fantastic job, really one of the best operations ever. But I have some ideas — tremendous ideas — that’ll take this place to the next level. We’re talking luxury clouds, gold-plated harps, the best choirs — winning choirs — no losers allowed, folks. Only winners.'"
"And trust me, after we’re done — after the Trump Heaven Renovation Project — it’s gonna be so good, so beautiful, people down on Earth will be lining up to get here like you wouldn’t believe. It'll be Heaven 2.0, folks — bigger, better, more exclusive. Absolutely incredible. Total Trump move. Historic."
"And folks, after we renegotiate — and it’s gonna be a tremendous deal, the best — we’re not stopping there. No way. We’re putting together a Cabinet. A Heavenly Cabinet, folks. Only the best. Only the winners."
"We’re gonna have George Washington — incredible leader, the original, people forget that — he’s gonna be Secretary of Strength and Courage, tremendous guy. Reagan, beautiful Reagan — he’s coming back, folks, he’s gonna be in charge of Inspiration and Great Speeches, nobody did it better than Ronald, believe me. And you know who else? Elvis Presley — the King! He’s coming in as Secretary of Rock and Roll and Good Times. We’re bringing the energy back to Heaven like you’ve never seen before."
"And I’m hearing rumors — a lot of talk — that we might even get Abraham Lincoln. People say he’s very tall, very honest, but you know what? Honest Abe would make a fantastic Attorney General. We need strong law and order — even in Heaven — and Lincoln’s our guy. Tremendous!"
"And listen, we’re gonna fix a lot of problems up there too. A lot of angels — very hardworking, beautiful, beautiful creatures — but some of them have been stuck doing harp practice for 500 years. Not fair! We’re bringing back merit-based promotions. If you’re a fantastic angel, you’re gonna move up fast, very fast. Under Trump’s Heaven Plan, it’s gonna be performance-based — no lazy clouds, no freeloaders, no bad vibes — just greatness, all day, every day!"
"The fake news? They’ll still be fake. Even in Heaven, folks. You’ll have little scribes trying to write bad things about us — but guess what? Under my plan, we’re building a wall — a big, beautiful, golden wall — around the fake news section. They’re gonna stay out of the Great Areas, believe me. Only positive energy, only winning energy!"
"And folks, after we rebuild, after we restore Heaven to the greatest, most beautiful place you’ve ever seen — bigger, better, even more exclusive — people are coming to me, a lot of people, great people, and they’re saying, 'Sir, you have to do it. You have to run for Archangel-in-Chief.'”
"And you know what? I’m thinking about it. Very strongly. Very strongly. Because let’s be honest — we can’t just leave it up to the usual people, the career angels. They mean well — some of them — but they don’t know how to win. They don’t know how to negotiate. They’re flying around in circles, getting nothing done! It’s time we have somebody in charge who understands success, understands how to make Heaven great again. And I’m the only one who can do it, folks. Everybody knows it!"
"We’re gonna have elections — very fair elections, beautiful elections, none of the funny business we saw down on Earth, believe me. Total transparency. God’s gonna oversee it — fantastic guy, very fair, the best — and when the votes come in, they’re gonna be huge, the biggest landslide ever. Even the haters and losers — and there are a few, even up there — they’ll have to admit it: Trump wins again!"
"We’re gonna have policies — beautiful policies. Clouds upgraded to premium seating, 24-karat streets — not just gold, folks, we’re talking Trump Gold, the best gold. Angel wings with aerodynamic upgrades, faster flying speeds. Harps tuned to play only the best music — real music, patriotic music, not this sad, low-energy stuff. Total energy boost. It’s going to be the most exciting Heaven you’ve ever seen, maybe the greatest administration — celestial or otherwise — in history!"
"And folks, let’s face it — under my leadership, Heaven’s going to be so fantastic, so powerful, so luxurious — even people in Hell are gonna say, 'Wow, maybe we made the wrong choice.' That’s how good it’s gonna be. Believe me!"
"And folks, because we only bring the best, the brightest — you know that — I’m proud to announce my running mate for Archangel-in-Chief. People have been waiting, asking, begging, 'Sir, who’s it gonna be?' We went through a lot of names, a lot of tremendous candidates — the best field you’ve ever seen — but we finally made the decision."
"I’m picking Moses. That’s right — Moses! Tremendous guy. Legendary. You know him — parted the Red Sea, incredible move, nobody thought it could be done. Some people said it was impossible — fake news said it would never happen — but Moses did it, he delivered, just like we’re gonna deliver for Heaven. And listen, nobody leads people better than Moses. Brought the Israelites out of Egypt — very tough situation, nasty Pharaoh, very unfair treatment — but Moses handled it beautifully. Tremendous leadership skills."
"Together, Moses and Trump — it’s gonna be the ultimate Dream Team. Trump parts the fake news, Moses parts the seas — nobody’s gonna stop us! We’re going to secure the Pearly Gates, lower the harp taxes, create more angel jobs, and bring back strength, faith, and winning like you wouldn’t believe. Heaven is going to be bigger, better, and more beautiful than ever before."
"And folks, make no mistake — the opposition? They’ve got no chance. None. They’re talking about running Judas — Judas! — total disaster, backstabber, bad track record, very low energy. Sad! Meanwhile, you’ve got Trump and Moses — power, energy, loyalty, faith. It’s over before it even starts, folks. Landslide victory. Absolute dominance."
"So get ready, get excited — because Trump-Moses 2025 Heavenly Election? It’s happening. And it’s going to be... wait for it... the greatest comeback in the history of the universe! Believe me!"
"And folks, when we win — and we’re gonna win so big, bigger than anyone’s ever seen — we’re not wasting any time. Day one, hour one, minute one — we’re getting to work. No sleepy transitions like some people we know. We’ve got a Heavenly First 100-Day Plan, and it’s gonna be historic, folks. Totally historic."
"First thing — we’re gonna rebuild the Stairway to Heaven. Great stairway, very iconic, but honestly? It’s outdated. People are complaining — it’s steep, it’s narrow, it’s not Trump quality. So we’re tearing it down and building a bigger, better, wider, golden stairway — luxury steps, folks, marble railings, escalators for the angels with the heavy wings. Total accessibility, total beauty. People will say, 'We’ve never seen a stairway like this before!' And they’ll be right."
"Second — we’re slashing the harp taxes. The angels are getting ripped off up there — fees, dues, maintenance charges, it’s terrible, it’s sad. Under Trump-Moses leadership, angels are gonna keep more of their heavenly rewards. More harps, more halos, more happiness. We’re putting the heavenly workers first again!"
"Third — security. Very important. We’re going to fortify the Pearly Gates. Beautiful wall, strong gates, nobody gets in unless they earned it. No freeloaders, no fakers, no phonies. You gotta do it the right way. Saint Peter loves it — says it’s the best idea he’s heard in two thousand years."
"Fourth — new energy initiatives. We’re tapping into the Power of Prayer — 100% clean, 100% beautiful, infinite supply. Forget solar panels, folks — prayer power is the future, and under Trump it’s gonna be unbelievable."
"And finally — we're launching the Heavenly Space Force. That’s right. Heaven's expanding — it’s getting bigger, better, even galactic. And we’re gonna need the best, strongest Space Angels to patrol the stars. We’re taking Heaven not just to the clouds — not just to the gates — but to the entire universe, folks. Total heavenly dominance. We’re making Heaven interstellar!"
"And I promise you this — after 100 days, you’re gonna look around and say, 'Mr. Trump, we didn’t just make Heaven great again... we made it greater than it’s ever been!' And you’ll be right. Total success. Total victory. Believe me!"
Trump’s Heavenly Inauguration Speech
[Golden trumpets blaring. Millions of angels in the crowd. Fireworks over the Pearly Gates. Taylor Swift finishing Ave Maria. Moses stands beside Trump holding a shimmering, golden Bible. CNN’s celestial division melting down live on air.]
Trump steps up to the crystal podium, waves to the crowd — massive, record-breaking crowd — and says:
"Thank you, thank you very much. What an incredible day — maybe the greatest day in the history of Heaven. People are saying it, the angels are saying it, even God is saying it. And when God says it, folks, you know it’s real."
"We are here today, under the brightest skies and the most beautiful clouds — the best clouds, tremendous clouds — to begin a new chapter, a winning chapter, for Heaven. Under our leadership — under Trump-Moses — Heaven is going to be bigger, better, stronger, more beautiful than ever before. We’re not just making Heaven great again, we are making Heaven greater than it’s ever been!"
"No more slow-moving cherubs. No more broken harps. No more sitting around on clouds doing nothing. We’re bringing back energy! We’re bringing back pride! We’re bringing back winning! This is a Heaven where angels soar higher, where streets shine brighter, where every single soul has a beautiful, luxurious harp — made in Heaven, not outsourced to China!"
"We’re building the most beautiful Stairway to Heaven the universe has ever seen — gold, marble, the finest craftsmanship. We’re securing the Pearly Gates with walls so strong even the bad spirits, the fake news spirits, will stay out where they belong. And we’re launching the Heavenly Space Force — because we’re not just staying in Heaven — we’re taking it to the stars!"
"And folks, let’s be clear: We will never apologize for winning. We will never apologize for being strong. And we will never apologize for making Heaven the greatest destination in all of existence — for eternity!"
"To those who doubted us — the losers, the haters, the fake prophets — I say this: Look around you. Look at this crowd! Look at the fireworks! Look at the beauty! Heaven has never been this good — and it’s only the beginning!"
"So today, we lift up our hearts, we lift up our prayers, and we lift up our incredible spirit — because under Trump-Moses leadership, Heaven’s best days are ahead of us. We will dream bigger, soar higher, and win more than ever before."
"Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the greatest Heaven the universe has ever known!"
[Cue massive angelic choir, golden confetti, Trump salutes, Moses lifts the golden Bible, fireworks explode spelling out ‘MAGA: Make Afterlife Great Again.’]
[Live from CNN Celestial HQ — banner: BREAKING NEWS: TRUMP-MOSES SWEEP HEAVEN IN HISTORIC LANDSLIDE]
Wolf Blitzer (looking pale, almost translucent): "Uh, we, uh, have some... stunning developments tonight. It — it appears that Donald Trump, yes — Donald J. Trump — along with his running mate, Moses — have secured a victory so massive in the Heavenly Election that... I mean... we’re still trying to process it, folks."
Anderson Cooper (face frozen in horror): "It’s — it’s not supposed to happen. We were assured by our celestial experts... that the angelic demographic was swinging toward Judas... towards a more progressive afterlife vision... and yet, here we are... Trump has — somehow — carried all the choirs, the harp players, even the flying cherubs. It's... it's catastrophic for democracy."
Van Jones (crying into a heavenly silk handkerchief): "This is a nightmare. I mean, he’s talking about rebuilding the Stairway to Heaven — with gold railings! Gold! And Moses? Moses is out here talking about border security around the Pearly Gates! We’re supposed to be inclusive! This is supposed to be a new Heaven for everyone... even the freeloaders!"
Dana Bash (visibly shaking): "Ladies and gentlemen... we are... reluctantly... calling it. Trump has officially won Heaven. It’s over. I repeat, it’s over."
[Wolf Blitzer stares into the camera, dead-eyed.]
Wolf Blitzer: "Folks, this is unprecedented. We are witnessing a celestial realignment the likes of which — frankly — we weren’t prepared to cover. Trump... is now Archangel-in-Chief. Moses is his Vice Archangel. The Trump Heavenly Administration will begin imm (flatly): "We... we will stay on this story... unless we get raptured off the air."*
[Screen flickers as a golden Trump logo — ‘MAGA: Make Afterlife Great Again’ — beams across CNN’s heavenly broadcast feed.]
