| | | The Epistle to Bruce
Chapter 1
(Concerning Obsession, Divine Utterance, and the Idol of Mar-a-Lago)
- And lo, Bruce of Texas lifted up his voice on the forum, and he did say, “I detest Little Donnie, and I see nothing to admire in him.”
- Yet his words were as the sands of the sea—numberless, unceasing, and always about Trump.
- For ten years did he toil upon the Silicon Investor, neither sleeping nor ceasing, that he might post again and again of his wrath toward the Orange One.
- And behold, the people were astonished, saying, “What manner of man is this, that he claimeth hatred, yet speaketh more of Trump than Trump himself?”
- And it came to pass that Bruce testified of a vision, saying, “God spake unto me, nine words, audible and mighty, though I was neither praying nor thinking upon Him.”
- And the people were amazed, yet they pondered in their hearts: What did the LORD say, that the chosen vessel would spend his days in online quarrels about The Apprentice?
- For Moses did receive the tablets and led a nation. Elijah called down fire. Paul wrote to the churches. But Bruce... he posted.
- Yea, he posted, and posted, and posted again. Morning and evening, weekdays and sabbath, his witness was unceasing—yet it was of Trump.
- And so it was written: “As a man posteth, so is he.” For from the abundance of the obsession, the fingers type.
- Therefore I say unto thee, Bruce: If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out. And if thy Wi-Fi cause thee to stumble, smash it with a stone.
- For better it is to enter the kingdom of heaven with silence, than to be cast into the pit with 100,000 Trump posts and zero self-awareness.
- Repent, O keyboard prophet, lest thou be remembered not as one who heard the LORD, but as one who worshipped Donald unwittingly, through loathing made manifest.
- Amen and amen.
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