A man in his 70's visits the doctor.
"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"
"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?!
Global warming is destroying the planet! Super volcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of a nuclear war, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"
Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.
"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric.”
—
On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.
He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer and bring them to him.
Within the hour the photographer is in the Pope's office. His camera has a huge telephoto lens.
"How much for the camera?" sighs the Pope.
"Well,", says the photographer, "this is going to make me rich! I can sell the photos to newspapers all over the world! Let's say €5 million”.
"I'll give you €1m, and a promise my Guards won't make you disappear as long as you never talk of this to anyone" snarls the Pope. The photographer agrees, hands over the camera and takes his money.
Later that day, the Pope's cleaner is in dusting around and notices the big camera on the Pope's desk.
"Ooh, your Holiness, that's a big camera, was it expensive?”
"Expensive?", snorts the Pope, "It cost me a million euros”.
"A million euros?" said the cleaner. ""They must have seen you coming!" |
