HALLOWEEN JOKES:
A bald man with a wooden leg
is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume
to wear to hide his head and his
leg so he writes to a costume
company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a
parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's
outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with
your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible
because they have emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week goes
by and he receives another parcel
and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your Wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will
really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since
they have gone from emphasizing
his wooden leg to emphasizing his
bald head so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of
complaint.
A few day's later he gets a small parcel
and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of
molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head,
pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden
leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
—
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP....
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops
—
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets.
—
For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
—
Q: Why do skeletons make good comedians?
A: They are two humerus.
—
The best part of Halloween
is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.
—
I'm going as cocaine for Halloween.
That way someone will do me in the bathroom.
—
Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?
They don't want any crazy people knocking on their door.
—
Monica Lewinski once dressed up for Halloween
as a vending machine with a sign that said "Insert Bill Here”
—
This year for Halloween, I'm going dressed as a packet of gas station sushi.
'Cause that'll always come back to haunt you.
—
Q. What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?
A. A poultry-geist.
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