Brown University Hires Chief Wiggum To Track Down Shooter
CRIME·Dec 17, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
PROVIDENCE, RI — Leadership at Brown University, frustrated with the lack of progress in tracking the shooter who killed two students and injured many more on December 13, has reportedly recruited Police Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield to assist in the case.
"Two deaths and nine injuries — sounds like the work of rowdy teens!" Wiggum said in a press conference as he laid out his progress on the case. "I talked with the FBI profiler, and she said it was some lone nut, but that's nuts."
Chief Wiggum has been busy since arriving in Rhode Island just days ago. He's revisited the crime scene and traced the FBI's steps to check for anything they may have missed. He even re-examined the seemingly random patch of snow federal agents were famously photographed inspecting. "Snow is a blank canvas for crime, but like all modern art, it has to be interpreted," Wiggum said. "Unfortunately, the FBI has some terrible art critics. They wouldn't know a Picasso from a footprint."
To ensure no stone was left unturned, Wiggum ordered all snow in the vicinity of the university bagged for evidence. Sergeant Lou and Officer Eddie were brought in from Springfield to assist in sifting through it to rule out the involvement of any magical snowmen.
"Nobody suspects the snowman," Wiggum said, "They say he's got a jolly soul, but deep down he's got an ice-cold heart. Isn't that right, Lou?"
At publishing time, sources confirmed Chief Wiggum successfully tracked down an individual linked to the shooting. "Bake him away, toys!" he ordered his officers. |
