I got a sweater for Christmas.
But what I really wanted was a moaner or a screamer.
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Pick-up line:
If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you in-between the holidays?
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Statistics show that 55 percent of workers would have sex with a co-worker at a Christmas party.
The other 45% were women.
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Why didn't Capt. Nemo get any Christmas presents ?
Because he was on the Nautilus.
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My epileptic son loves our new Xmas tree.
You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.—What do you call a Xmas tree that knows Kung Fu?
Spruce Lee.
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Christmas Riddles
Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.
Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!
Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
A. Santa Claus.
Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!
Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!
Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!
Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!
Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!
Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.
Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low elf esteem.
Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the
birds have gone south for the winter.
Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.
Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.
Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.
Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.
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What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.
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THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
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Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer.”
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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
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| From: Tomato | 12/23/2017 1:16:27 PM | | 2 Recommendations of 6666 | | | Santa has a tenth reindeer, Olive. She's mentioned in the song, "Olive the other reindeer..”
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Epileptic Santa:
"He seizures when you're sleeping.”
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How come Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?
Because they’re the one who make the toys.
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Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?
Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Donner?
A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face
Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada…
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What is Santa's favorite type of music ?
Wrap
—
How does Santa measure his toy bag ?
In Santa-meters.
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh ?
Nothing. It was on the house.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa ?
Saint Nickle-less.
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What does Mrs. Claus do when Santa is out?
Pole dance.
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Why doesn't Santa have children?
Because he only comes once a year and then it's down the chimney.
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