Hmmmm . . . discussions in my house are usually fairly polite but quite short, because my husband perceives me a little warily, assuming sometimes I am trying to change his opinions. This happens particularly when I give him articles to read, more than when I just gently approach him with a new idea, or a different perception presented verbally over a nice cup of tea and a winsome smile.
I think the very most important thing about that article was its stress on women needing to be NOT BELLIGERENT when they try to assert their will. That is really difficult when there are years of anger, hurt, and built-up communication blocks in a marriage, and that is why I still would argue that sometimes marriage counselling is necessary to get everything out on the table in a safe environment, where some healing and renegotiation can take place.
As I get older, my ideas on marriage are changing a little. One concept I have come to believe in is ACT AS IF, in other words, even if things are a little ragged around the old marital edges, instead of ripping open old wounds immediately, it might be better to have a lot of sex, take some long walks, have a really nice meal, and just be friendly to each other even though there might be an underlying problem. The reason I believe this is that unless men are sexually satisfied and well fed, and feel safe emotionally, they are unreceptive to communicating at all, and don't feel connected enough to give it a try.
I also think Americans expect quite a lot of marriage--wonderful lovemaking, close friendship, etc.--and I think the expectations are a little high. In talking with people who have been married a very long time, one thing I hear is that a marriage might go through a weird spell even for a few years, but then something changes, and it is better. We tend to throw our marriages away pretty easily here, and perhaps we should be more patient. Pursuing individual interests, taking separate vacations sometimes might be pretty good safety valves. Like how can I miss you if you don't go away?
I was reading a column the other day, and the columnist was describing a woman, and saying that she had projected calm acceptance and encouragement, and when someone had that energy, he didn't need or expect much more, because those qualities in themselves were so wonderful, by implication. I would really agree with that, and I suspect that if only one person in a relationship is capable of projecting those on a consistent basis, the relationship would be pretty healthy, because when you get that, you want to give it back.
I also think humor is one of the most important things you can maintain in any long relationship, because everything is not always going to be wonderful, and you need to be able just to laugh sometimes, even if it is the light side of personal bankruptcy or a huge car repair you are able to find a bit of humor in. So when I gave my husband the serious article from the LA Times to read, I also gave him this column from our local paper to read right afterwards, and of course the humor softened the more serious bits in the article:
How to Stay Married
ARTHUR HOPPE
Wednesday, February 25, 1998
PSYCHOLOGISTS at the University of
Washington say the secret of a happy marriage is
for the husband to invariably give in to the wife.
What kind of secret is that?
Anyone who is familiar with my book, ''The Four
Stages of Marriage,'' knows that. On the off chance
that you haven't read this definitive work, the four
stages are:
1 -- The Slough of Despond: A young couple
usually sinks into this stage three weeks after the
honeymoon. They've married in blind passion,
never having given a rational thought to each other's
idiosyncrasies. So the fellow discovers, much to his
consternation, that his dearly beloved is some kind
of nut when it comes to folding socks before putting
them in drawers. This naturally can lead to lengthy
discussions, loud arguments, murder and even
divorce. But the serious young man will go on to
the second stage:
2 -- The Search for Enlightenment: Being young
and inexperienced, he first tries active listening.
''So what I hear you saying . . '' he says.
''What I'm saying,'' she says, ''is fold your damn
socks.''
That sends him to a marriage counselor. If he
chooses a man, the man will shake his head and
say, ''What is it women want?'' If it's a woman, she
will shake her head and say, ''She wants you to
fold your damn socks.'' This inevitably leads to:
3 -- The Surrender to Reality: For awhile, he
desperately clings to his position, though losing
every battle. Slowly he realizes his limitations. For
one thing, being a woman, she has a far better
memory. Take the time he tosses his socks helter-
skelter in his drawer, and they come out all sticky.
''I told you I was going to varnish your bureau,''
says his wife sweetly.
''In a pig's eye,'' he says.
''Oh, yes I did,'' she says. ''I was standing by the
dishwasher, wearing my pink sweater and gray
skirt and you were over by the door holding the
sports section and I said . . .'' Well, no one can
argue with a memory like that.
Worse, once she's recognized the power of her
superior memory, she will remember all sorts of
things he can't remember, like the time he said the
fireplace damper was open or the time he told her
to sell IBM at 93 or the time he . . .
Even more dispiriting is learning he lacks the
concentration for marital arguments. She says he's
inconsiderate because he forgot the cat's birthday.
A discussion ensues. When they part sulkily, his
mind wanders off to baseball or mini skirts. Not
hers. By the time they come back together, thanks
to her incredible powers of concentration, she's
thought up 17 more instances of his
inconsiderateness. And all he can talk about is
Barry Bonds' batting average.
At this point, weaker men usually resort to foot
stamping and yelling. But the mature, intelligent man
has the grace to accept his handicaps. Realizing that
he can't win an argument, he rationally renounces
arguing and thereby reaches:
4 -- Nirvana: Is it so difficult to fold a pair of
socks? Of course not, not if it will make your wife
happy. Selfishly keep in mind that no husband is
happy unless his wife his happy. So give in. Do
what she says. Remember that the two words that
ensure a happy marriage are: ''Yes, dear.''
And if you don't believe me, just ask my dear wife,
Glynda.
c1998 San Francisco Chronicle Page A19
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