Sorry, John. I'm very much in love, but not with you. There is a lot I like about you--please don't be insulted or anything--and your concept of not separating sexuality from the mind, of love being an entirely holistic experience, I agree with totally. There is much in our belief systems that is shared, more perhaps than you give me credit for. However, I have no desire to be totally rational; I believe that my feelings are as important as my thoughts, and while I do not ascribe all the negative connotations to cynicism that you assume I do, understanding full well that all creatures are fundamentally selfish, we disagree on the implications of cynicism in the world at large. For example, a selfish person would be a fine humanist or environmentalist, realizing that the health and happiness of the planet and the people who inhabit ultimately benefit him. This is selfishness of a very constructive nature, and I see nothing wrong with that.
We could discuss these issues on an intellectual basis, and perhaps we will at some point, but to make things short and simple, which has an elegance I apreciate on a thread with many abstract and somehow unsatisfying words, there is much about you which is different from the man I love. He is truly egalitarian, a man who feels totally comfortable with the very rich and yet seeks out the poor, a highly educated man who believes that knowledge and experience can be gained from the uneducated but wise, a man who is not cynical and gives his time and energy to make the world a much better place for everyone, who believes that optimism carries us forward, a man who loves women but who wants to make love only to me, and for hours at a time, a man who laughs and cries openly and is truly comfortable with all of his feelings and the feelings of those around him, who is experimental and open-minded in all areas of his life, loves children, nature and the wildness of the human spirit, is absolutely honest and ethical, emotionally supportive and passionate in all that he does, thoughtful, intellectually brilliant, mature and yet in touch with the child within, a wonderful and loyal friend. I cannot imagine him being arrogant or condescending like I have seen you be, or ever insult someone by calling them blue collar!!! Incidentally, that is not only rude and elitist, you were as wrong as you could possibly be. There is some bitterness inside you, a belief in the class system or something, that I truly do not understand, since you definitely have possibilities, and I wish you well. I think there is probably a lot we could learn from each other, but your assumption that it is I who needs what you have, with no mutuality, is frustrating for me.
But I'm still trying to get through to you, and hoping we can be friends, because I think the debate we are having about cynicism and the feelings/thoughts dichotomy is valuable in helping us both think amd feel, and fascinating and ultimately enjoyable as well.
Christine |
