Hi Leigh, try to keep a straight face.
Welcome to the Lard Marketing Board Home Page!
LARD:
1. white, fatty substance that gives the eater amazing powers of strength and endurance.
2. the term associated with overweight or people who eat copious quantities of this magic food and never put on an extra pound. =lardarse
3. this food form has often been associated with the deadly form of breakfast known as "black death", where everything that can be burnt is burnt in an inch deep of cooking oil, leaving that pleasant after taste which makes you want to wretch.
4. it has been scientifically proven that this foodstuff can help weight loss, but only as part of a calorie controlled diet. (ask Jo)
We asked various famous mountaineers how they sustain their peak performance in such harsh mountainous conditions:
Doug Scott: When I broke my legs on the Ogre, lard kept me alive. We melted it to form a mould around my injured limbs and let it congeal in place. These effective splints allowed me to climb down the mountain, beating fatty Bonington who refused such treatment for his chest.
Chris Bonington: It was my lard he used as well, available from Dales at 14p-the ultimate survival aid. When I was a lad and learning my trade as a climber, I'd spend days saving up money for my weekend jaunts to the Peak District by selling lard as an artificial snow replacement.
Ranulph Fiennes: I carried it on my expedition to cross the Antartic continent but it fell off the back of my sledge after 5 minutes and I couldn't find it. After that things began to go terribly wrong. Our plan was to use it for filling in crevasses and as a morale booster at the end of the day. Unfortunately the bloody stuff is white and impossible to see in whiteouts (its only drawback-although highly environmentaly friendly).
Richard Holmes (Club chairman): Oh my God, lard is such a Northern invention. When I go walking I only use Boots highest grade animal fat. I like to think that my social skills are the best around and often use lard as a conversation starter in those tricky situations when I get tongue tied. It helps lubricate my hard palate.
Andy Ward (Social Sec): Lard is superb!! Me mutha uses it in her Yorkshire pudding and me Dad uses it to fuel his tractor. I fully endorse all lard products "It's top form that is".
Phil Endecott (MUHC Old fogie): When I first came to Manchester back in the Industrial Revolution, George Stephenson was using it to power his new fangled machine called The Rocket. [Lies, all lies! But it is true that lard is second only to mashed banana when it comes to easing ones body through a particularly tight section of cave passage - Ed]
As you can see 9 out of 10 top mountaineers recommend it 'cos it's SOLID nourishment.
1001 uses of LARD ( Long-lasting Arterial Rupture Device )
-here are just a few:
A.E. Scobie: I rub myself down with it regularly and Richard really likes the taste. It's also great for removing unwanted body hair.
Dennis Edwards: Yeah! It's great for spreading on toast whilst watching Shortland Street.
Stuart Taylor: I use it instead of chalk when I'm climbing you can really congeal to the rock - bit of a cheat but hey!
Jolyon Medlock: When I've drunk all the milk in the house I can melt it down and pour it over my cornflakes.
Rob Hardisty: Huh! I don't understand that question.
Ben Wright: I find reading the lard packet a great way of relaxing when working hard for my Engineering degree.
Dan Short: When me and Jim were bivvying at 3500metres in the Alps last summer we used it to throw at the Japanese tourists.
Mel Harper: It's great as a giggling agent.
Phil Dyer: I've found that threatening the Union staff with it really does get results.
Ben Oliver: It gives me and Graham hours of entertainment!
Andy Ward: At the moment I'm building a lard mountain in tree court, 143567 more and it'll be a munro, then Me and Alex can go and bag it.
Alex Hobson: It's great for sticking in Rachel's mouth when she gets in one of those talkative moods.
Rachel Hart: I use it to get those curls in my hair, I'm working on a new one at the moment, called "Baby".
Helen Loftus: LLLLLAAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!
Becky Dingle: When I had my knee operation instead of inserting cartilage the cheap scape NHS inserted lard.
Bex Senior: It's great with broccoli and many french recipes that I picked up when I was on the Cote d'Azur........(rah, rah, rah)
Chrissy Scott: sorry couldn't find an interpreter.
Sarah Tomlins: Us Essex girls luv a bit of it... (too rude to type)
Lucy Spurling: I find that rubbing it on my joints in the morning helps to alleviate the pain of arthritis that us old people suffer with. (stuart wrote that)
The Lard Marketing Board would like to thank Jolyon Medlock and Stuart Taylor for their scientific expertise and knowledge of lard. |
