Found this on another site, very entertaining.
<DEAR DOW INVESTORS:
We wish to thank you for your past support and hope that you will appreciate the urgent need to continue this support. As you are all aware, we are now but a few points away from DOW 9000. It is absolutely imperative that you continue your contributions to the cause...otherwise, we may not be able to sustain our vertical momentum, in which case all our past efforts will have been for naught. Please do not pay any attention to our detractors out there who have established an agenda to undermine our noble efforts. When these detractors state that there are no future corporate profits out there to sustain the Dow at its current levels, well, we do not wish to dignify such slander with a response.
Although we respect that many of you do not have huge amounts of remaining cash reserves, owing to second mortgages you have taken on your homes and cash advances upon your credit cards, nevertheless, we urge you to consider the extreme importance of the DOW 9000 in your life. Every dollar, every dime, every nickel counts...so please give just a little more. Your contributions will make some anxious investment broker's life just a little bit better.
Although many of you prefer to use your last few bits of available cash for other items, such as food, clothing and shelter,nevertheless, we urge you to forego these luxuries for the sake of the DOW 9000.
We respect that there are many other telethons out there that solicit monies from you each and every day. Naturally, it is impossible to give something to each and every one. However, we believe that solicitations on behalf of muscular dystrophy, fatherless boys,
arthritis, seniors' food programs, Alzheimers, deprived inner city children, AIDS, and a host of other community charities are not quite as important at this time in America's history as our fight to reach the DOW 9000.
As you know, we have a big party planned once we cross DOW 9000. Our associate fund-raiser, CNBC, has cases of champagne and thousands of party hats, horns, balloons, and a big cake waiting in the wings...and while you are tooting your horns and munching upon your cake, CNBC has THREE WHOLE HOURS of never-before-seen footage celebrating the entire momentous occasion. It would be nothing less than a crime if these various celebratory items were left unused merely to collect dust.
Once again, we ask you to look into your hearts and find a little something for the DOW 9000. You know it will be worth the pain.
Very Truly,
THE DOW 9000 TELETHON.> |
