Searching for St. Lucy's missing eyeball. As you may be aware, she was a nun who gouged her eyes out after looking with unexpected lust on some swain whose name escapes me. For this she was canonized.
Seems that things on this thread and some others have become entirely too irreligious, so I've been on a shopping expedition for some reliquaries to spruce up the place. Got some great deals. Picked up some genuine nails from the cross in Anatolia, moneyback guarantee and a very nice certificate of authenticity (signed apparently by Pontius Pilate), only 75 bucks. Then here's a handy dandy pinkie bone from John the Baptist, ensconced in its very own pewter pinkieboneholder. That one set me back a tad more, $250 from an Eastern Orthodox online bone auction in Azerbaijan. Nifty website with zoom pix and they take plastic.
But the piece de resistance, voila! A taxidermy, in remarkably good condition, of Judas's pet hamster Hyperion, in a cute little gilded cage with a very nice embossed nameplate. I didn't even know Judas had a hamster. Picked it up in a bazaar in Jerusalem from a guy who's supposedly the world's leading authority on pets of the Bible. Did you know for example that Jeremiah had a bullfrog? And Moses had a goldfish named Amenhotep that he brought with him out of Egypt?
Got a finder's fee out for St. Lucy's missing eyeball -- found the one (the left I think), it's in a chapel in Calabria, and they don't want to give it up. Looks kind of like a white chocolate truffle with raspberry goop that sat in the box in the cupboard for a couple of years. Seems they do a nice business off the pilgrim types, they sell some pretty wacky postcards.
Hey penni, you don't mind if we put little Hyperion the Hamster on the mantel, do you? I'll move this genuine Limoges Louis XIV clock over just a teeny weeny little bit and....Crashtinkletinkletinkle DAMN!! Hooboy. Well, the wretched thing never told the right time anyway. Always running fast. Those Frenchies never could build a decent clock, that's why the Swiss got the business. Well, we can just replace the innards with a nice quartz electric one. Here penni, I've got all the pieces! penni? penni?? Ummm...is she breathing? |
