From my email inbox today:
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret
facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am
PDT(1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between
Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust
action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by
any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that
I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in
the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear
fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was
Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike
vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government
would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and
they
don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will
initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the
test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but
we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of
Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT
products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny
the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every
Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an
OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what
they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would
explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so
hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical
power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those
stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway
in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing
all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the
project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up
progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs
was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the
biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware
engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second
time."
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