Posted by Duck and Cover on May 20, 1998 at 12:56:49:
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT)
conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device,
exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks
between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few
tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the
seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I
thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft
products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy
of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent
acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft
acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found
a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to
replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the
existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor,"
said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is
going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the
microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than
they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those
stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by
Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one
source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in
discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against
Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley had developed in years," said one hardware
engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." |
