>>MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
>>
>>REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
>>Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
>>eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
>>GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft
>>and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
>>
>>"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
>>all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
>>anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
>>computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
>>
>>Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
>>my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
>>geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
>>and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
>>
>>In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
>>all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
>>his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work,"
>>said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of
>>"constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
>>
>>Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
>>justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation
>>from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of
>>weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally
>>found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."
>>Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
>>operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
>>radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II
>>microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by
>>a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
>>
>>The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why
>>the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel
>>chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E.
>>Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
>>
>>Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
>>California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all
>>of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.
>>The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
>>"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
>>
>>Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
>>rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying
>>Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
>>the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to
>>be around when they drop that product a second time."
>>
>>posted on 14 May 1998
>>Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network. |
