Funeral gate-crashers from hell
The Arizona Republic
June 2, 1998
If the Rev. Fred Phelps is correct -- and by God he believes he is -- then former
Sen. Barry Goldwater is now a resident of hell. Along with Frank Sinatra, Sonny
Bono, Princess Diana and, possibly, Mother Teresa.
In order to reinforce this belief, Rev. Phelps is sending a squad of holy warriors to
picket Goldwater's funeral Wednesday. They plan to carry signs reading "Barry in
hell" and worse.
This is necessary, the reverend told me Monday, because Goldwater was "a
supporter of Sodomites."
He explained, "When you want to say it's OK to be gay, then you're saying God is
a liar and the Bible is not a reliable guide. You're saying it's OK to sin, because if
the Bible is wrong on that weighty matter, then it's not reliable on any matter."
Rev. Phelps is reliable, however.
You can rely on him and his parading zealots from Westboro Baptist Church in
Topeka, Kan., to have something to say, to stage some protest, to try to get on
TV, after the death of any person with a big name.
'Too late for everyone'
"I've been preaching the gospel for 50 years," Rev. Phelps said. "I'm telling you,
looking at the Bible, I have a profound feeling of distress that it's too late for
everyone in this country."
And he's correct.
At least, it's too late for us to ignore Rev. Phelps.
He's already been featured on local talk radio. Already been in the local papers.
Soon, his sign-carrying zombies will turn up on local TV.
We live in the land of fruits and nuts.
Show the media a fruit, and we go nuts.
Pastor Phelps is a Carmen Miranda, with a Bible.
After Sinatra died, the reverend sent out a press release that read in part, "This
whoremongering son of an abortionist became Chairman of the Board of the
entertainment industry for half a century. He must now atone for his sins."
Sonny Bono is in hell, Phelps says, for not condemning his gay daughter, Chastity.
After the death of Princess Diana, Westboro Baptist Church issued a statement
reading, "God Almighty has again manifested His hot displeasure against the
prevailing depravity of these last days by dramatically snuffing out the hedonistic
life of a leading international symbol of immoral, god-defying decadence."
I asked the reverend, "Is there any prominent person in the United States who
isn't going to hell?"
"No," he said. "I tell you, I get very lonely."
Phelps is very fond of Zimbabwe, though, and its President Robert Mugabe.
"God bless Mugabe," he says. "Of all the leaders of the modern states, he is the
only one taking the proper position on the homosexual menace."
Because of this, the Westboro Baptist Church flies the flag of Zimbabwe above the
flag of the United States. The American flag is flown upside down.
Memorial Day sentiment
For Memorial Day, the church issued a statement titled, "They all died in vain for
a filthy Sodomite nation led by perverts and whores."
In Kansas, Phelps' parishioners are known to picket the funerals of AIDS victims.
The reason they'll travel to Goldwater's service, he said, "is because this nation
needs to be preached to.
"Its leaders need to be preached to. And the best place to preach to them is at
their miserable funerals where they're gathered around lying about each other."
You can read all about Phelps' church on his Web site (I swear I'm not making this
up): godhatesfags.com.
Among the many offerings available is a transcript of a pamphlet titled (Really,
I'm not kidding) "Mother Teresa in hell."
If Phelps is right, if hell -- the ultimate hot spot -- is filling up with the unholy likes
of Goldwater and Sinatra and Princess Di and Mother Teresa, there's only one
thing left I'd like to know.
Do they take reservations?
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