This cracked me up.
THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM
5 Questions, 60 Minutes.
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah,
and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is C.
Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly
spherical Jesus of constant density D.
No praying during the exam.
1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner.
God loves each an equal amount L_0.
Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame,
how much does God now love Bob?
2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace.
He then has sex with sheep S.
a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following
the act if the sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being
willing, could not be said to mind either?
3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit
be the XY plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at T = 0 sec.,
traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive Z axis.
Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking
subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude
towards the Universe. At what time T will Sue be saved?
(Hint: Assume a point soul.)
4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time T.
Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace,
has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time T.
What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time T+ 10 sec.?
5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state.
His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals.
He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much.
Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty
much, everything.
a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons.
He ain't so damn smug now, is he?
Extra Credit (10 pts):
25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo
transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord.
How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
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