Hold onto your hat, the Ain't It Cool News proclaims Armageddon:
"For 7 gXXdamn years I have been waiting for the Ultimate Summer Blockbuster to come out and completely blow me the fXXk away! I'm proud to announce we have a winner and it's name is...ARMAGEDDON!!! Movies like Armageddon are the reason why I don't have to do drugs. One look at a flick like this puts me on such a high that it literally lasts days...if not weeks! There's no fXXkin' drug in the world that could make me feel this great...NONE(and believe you-me...I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!). I can't describe this emotion that I'm feeling. Take the greatest sex you've ever had, multiply it by a 1000, and throw in the most amazing Hot Fudge Sundae you've ever eaten and maybe then, you'll get a taste of what I'm
feeling right now. After watching the movie, I felt like taking a nice long drag on a Cancer Stick...it was just that Incredible! This is a man's movie, so I don't want to hear any of you pussy-boy pansy-asses complaining about it. If you are a 100%Balls-to-the-Wall Male between the ages 4 and 104 you'll cream in your pants while
watching the movie...I know I did. I'm still cleaning off the now crusted substance. Now, this is not to say women won't dig the movie either. It's a fun romp with a romance at it's core.
Sit back, grab a brewski in one hand and your pecker in the other because Good 'Ole Mighty Joe Hallenbeck is about to take you on a Raving Rant you soon won't forget...
The Plot - Big Rock comes toward Earth. Things get destoyed. Oil Drilling Heroes must stop it before it wipes out mankind. That's in lamens terms. In Manly terms, it goes like this: BAD ASS MOTHER FXXKERS ATTEMPT TO KICK AN ASTEROIDS ASS BEFORE IT WIPES OUT OUR HOOD!!! It sounds simple, but it's not. This multi-layered plot is one helluva ride. Each character has their own thing to overcome...I love that in a movie! Mr. Bruckheimer said it the best when he described the movie as , "The Dirty Dozen in Space." It's the kind of movie where everyone has their favorite character. It's not just a star vehicle for Bruce. Everyone gets in on the action.
The Directing - He impressed me with Bad Boys. He blew me away with The Rock(I Love that film!). Now, Michael Bay has truly amazed me with this winner. His camera movements are no longer as headache inducing and his editing is not as hectic. When the film goes into hyperdrive(which is a large portion of it) the camera work and editing is perfect. Often times, it's masterful. The intesity and
sure raw emotion in this movie really got to me. I actually found my bottom lip trembling and tears coming out of my eyes. It may be corny as hell, but I loved it. It's just perfectly cornball...not too much, not too little. Oh, and I also fell hook, line and sinker for the flag waving going on. As these emotions started to get the
best of me, I thought to myself, "It's okay to cry. The Duke would be crying if he was watching this! If it's alright with the Duke, then it sure as hell alright for the Mighty One!" After that logic came about, I let the tears flow like Niagra. They weren't no pussy-boy tears either, they were man tears! There the same kind of
tears a man would shed while watching The Dirty Dozen or Die Hard. If your Father cries, then it's okay for you to cry, damnit! That's my motto!
After the movie, I had a fairly lengthy conversation with Bay. I introduced myself and right away the man knew who I was(I didn't know I was that infamous). I felt like hugging the man...THAT'S how emotional I was feeling at the time. Finally a Summer Blockbuster worthy of that title!!!
The Climax - Everything a self-respecting movie geek would want and more! It's just plain perfect. Nail biting, over the top, cliched, emotional, and down right cool!!! Yippie-ki-yay, mother fucker!!! ...
Jerry and Michael should consider themselves "Kings of the World" after this opens, for this movie is bound to make a shit load of moola. My only complaint concerning the movie is where it's going to be showing in the LA area. Because it's Disney, it'll be showing in shit theaters in Westwood and Hollywood. I have a suggestion to make:
Please, Mr. Eisner -- for the Love of the Movie Gods above -- buy and/or rent the Chinese or the Village for about 2 months and put this movie on one of those screens. Reach into the cushions of you couch and pull out a few mil to cover the cost of this gesture. You owe it to the fans to have this movie play on the greatest screens possible. In LA, those are the two best. Put it on one of them. Make us happy.
I'm starting to come down a bit. It's been a few hours and my high is slightly wearing off. I don't know if I can wait until July 1 to see the movie again. I'm like a junkie in this respect...I need my fix! X-Files may tie me over, but I need more Armageddon. Watching the trailer 1000 times might not do it. Man, if I don't see this movie again soon I may go postal on someone(s). Maybe I'll go over to Warner
Bros if this feeling gets any worse. Better yet, over to Sony to beat the shit out of the execs that were invloved with the lizard. Yeah, that's it. I'm feeling better already.
Hell, I'm going over there right now to bash some sense into those sons a'bitches.
Where's my bat?!!!
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck "
aint-it-cool-news.com
Combined with Mulan, the Mouse will own the summer. |
